30 Jan DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE
Dear Rabbi and Shira,
I started dating a guy from across the country on zoom and everything was going well for the first 2 months. We got along well, and we
enjoyed talking. We decided that we had to meet in person, so I got a plane ticket and flew out to meet him. Instead of the wonderful time I was
expecting to have, I had the worst time ever! He treated me like one of his buddies, not like a girl, let alone a date! For example, not only did he
not hold the door open for me, but he also didn’t even wait for me to walk though! When I held the door for another group who was right behind
us he just kept on walking and didn’t even notice I wasn’t with him, and I had to run to catch up to him. I told this to the shadchan, who relayed
the message and told me he would be better. The next day we met again, and it was exactly the same! I want to end it, I have no interest in him
at all anymore, but the shadchan and my mother are pushing me to continue. What should I do? ~Long Distance Disaster
Dear Long Distance Disaster,
We’re sorry to hear that the date went south. (No pun
intended). At first glance, it sounds as if he felt a little
too comfortable and familiar around you. While its
always great to feel at ease, you seem to have wanted a
little more formality.
We are wondering about a number of things.
How often did you Zoom date? If you had Zoom
dated 6 or so times, then one could definitely feel very
comfortable, as if they knew you in real life. Consider
what you liked about him on Zoom. Were those qualities
there as well? What were your expectations in terms
of the dates that you went on when you were visiting?
Were any of them met?
Did you communicate with each other in between
dates? We’re wondering
if you became too friendly, which could have dissolved
a little bit of the romantic tension for him. Everyone
(even almost engaged, and even married couples) needs
to continue to court each other. Otherwise, relationships
can become boring and stale, the aspects of daily life
becoming more of a chore. You might have related this
to the shadchan, but they possibly missed that this was
what you were seeking.
Also, if you were zoom dating for so long, what role
was the Shadchan playing? Were they just helping along
periodically, or were they still a go-between after 2
months? It seems a little smothering if the shadchan is
involved in every aspect. However, it is useful to have
someone who can help when you get stuck.
Is the relationship in a place where you can speak with
him directly about wanting to be courted more? If it was
only a bomb from this perspective, maybe with your
direct input he can come to you and date in a way which
you would like. You’re going to have to decide if this is
a workable case, or that it failed so badly that you’re not
even interested in trying again with him
We wish you hatzlacha with this situation, and if you’d
like to add any information to clarify, we’d love to hear
Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack