13 Feb DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

Dear Rabbi and Shira,
Thanks for your column. I look forward to reading it each week in The Jewish Vues.
Here is my issue. At what point should a person start dating? My parents are starting to intimate that it’s time by sending me not
so subtle hints. “Oh Mrs. Cohen’s son started dating, wasn’t he in your class? Mrs. Klein called asking when you’re dating. What
about Mrs. Weiss’ daughter? She’s dating now.” I am only 22. How do I know I’m ready? -Ready or Not on in the Rockaways

Dear Ready or Not,
There are many ways to date and find your spouse.
There are some communities which date once or twice
and then they marry. There are others who date for
a bit longer and will go out 10-12 times. Then there
are communities which assign no specific number
to the amount of dates. It is important to consider
the community’s guidelines, especially when dating
in that community. In a community where it is done
rather quickly, one should keep in mind that he can
be engaged just a few months after starting the dating
process. At the same time, it is important to remember
that while there are guidelines each person is different,
and some individuals need more or less time than
others to decide.
The most important question you should ask
yourself before starting to date is, “are you ready share
your world with someone else?” This question can be
split in two components. Do you have the emotional
sensitivities to begin caring for someone else and do
you have a financial plan?

In terms of finances, do you have concrete plans? Did
you go to college? Graduate school or a trade school?
Did you get an apprenticeship for a specific career? Do
you have your own business or are you working for
someone else? In other words, are you ready to support
yourself and your significant other? Do you have any
savings? Are your parents in a position to help if you
are not ready to support your family? If so, are you
interested in receiving assistance? Have you considered
the expectations which might come along with familial
financial support?
Even after the financial angle has been discussed,
you must consider the emotional portion as well as it is
just as important. Are you prepared to share space and
time with someone else? For example, how do you feel
about someone eating the last piece of pizza? Finishing
the soda? Have you ever shared a room and space with
someone else? What was your experience? Can you
welcome someone else into your world?
How are your communication skills? Do you
know how to speak about your feelings, needs and

expectations? If you are not the best communicator,
are you ready to learn how. Are you prepared to listen
and accept an opinion which is different to yours? How
do you act and react when things don’t go according
to your plans? Are you ready to make decisions with
someone else that could impact you and your family for
years to come? If you feel you need help in any of the
areas mentioned, speak to a therapist for guidance.
Are there outstanding mental health or emotional
issues which you have not resolved? Have you begun to
see someone about them?
You do not need to have the answers to all the
questions. What’s important is that you need to begin
thinking about them seriously keeping in mind some
of the questions may take a lifetime to master. These
questions will help you understand yourself and what
you will need to do in order to prepare for the next stage
in life.
We wish you much Hatzlacha!
Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack.