Dear Rabbi and Shira,

Hi! I’m a big fan of your column in the Jewish Vues and enjoy reading it on a weekly basis. I’m having a problem dating. My next-door neighbor, Moshe and I grew up together. Our parents are best friends, and we speak often daily. I’m now in Shidduchim, and I can’t stop thinking and comparing everyone who I go out with to Moshe. I think were perfect for each other and share so much in common; goals, dreams and background. I brought this up to him and he agrees that we are compatible but he’s not ready to date yet. What should I do?

-Stuck on Moshe

Dear Stuck on Moshe,

Hello. It seems you’re in a bit of bind. Is it fair to date these other men if you’re still fixated on Moshe? Is it fair to yourself to wait until Moshe is ready?

What are your options?

You can give up on the Moshe idea. When you consider all the possibilities in any situation, you could be paralyzed by the almost limitless choices. This feeling presents itself in what we call F.O.M.O., which stands for fear of missing out. When you think in a FOMO way, you are consistently looking over your shoulder, considering possibilities that could happen that you are not actually exploring. By never being present, and always looking at what

could be, or could be missed, you never enjoy what is happening now. If you close your eyes, and every time your mind starts a sentence with “But Moshe,” turn your thoughts, gently but firmly to the matter at hand. Tell yourself, I’m not dating Moshe. He’s not currently a possibility; he’s not interested in dating me now.

You could continue to date people without putting this to rest. Without doing so, you will constantly return to Moshe. This isn’t particularly fair to the guys you are dating, as you are not present. You are too busy involved in a fantasy world with Moshe. Until you decide that “possibilities with Moshe” are only possibilities, you don’t really stand a chance to create much of a reality with anyone else.

You could wait till Moshe is ready. The question is can you wait? Are you willing to take the chance that you’ll pass up something better? Is there really a future with Moshe, or just an ideal, which you haven’t really met yet?

Regardless, we think it would be a good idea to curtail conversations with Moshe at this time. Conversations will only confuse you, not allow you to focus on the present and will prevent you from truly giving other people and yourself a chance to find a long-lasting relationship.

Good Luck!

Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack.