05 Mar DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

Dear Rabbi and Shira,
I’m married for a year and a half. I have a problem. I can’t stand my husband’s best friend.
I feel like he’s a bad influence on my husband. When he’s around, my husband talks in a way that he normally wouldn’t,
drinks more than he should, and smokes pot “occasionally”. Sometimes he acts in such a repugnant way that I am
horrified that this is the man that I married. Normally, he doesn’t act like this at all, but his best friend brings out the
worst in him. What should I do?
-Hate That Friend.

Dear Hate That Friend,
What a difficult situation! You love your husband, but
hate his best friend. Have you discussed it with your
husband? What good characteristics does your husband
see in his best friend? We find it hard to believe that he
does not have any redeeming characteristics, especiallly
since he is the best friend of your husband, who you
love.
This is clearly a touchy subject. You never mentioned
if you have brought up this issue in the past. If you have
not, you can start with asking if it is a good time to talk.
It’s important not to have this conversation when you’re
in a fight or if either of you are emotionally triggered.
Begin the discussion with something positive. Then,
continue with your observation, “I notice…“ Explainthe

behavior you are observing. For example, “I’ve noticed
that you act differently when Shlomo is around.” Use
phrases such as, “I’m frustrated by”,” I’m hurt by”
or “I worry about,” to convey how you feel about the
situation. For example, “You and Shlomo are such good
friends, and it’s nice to see you two get along so well. I’ve
noticed that you act differently when he is around. You
have a tendency to drink vodka excessively with him,
and I worry what the repercussions of this behavior are.”
This is an important step because you are
communicating the facts, how you understand it, and
how it is making you feel. While he might have known
what is transpiring, he probably doesn’t know how you
think or feel about it. After you have discussed what you
are seeing, and your concerns, we can turn to the request
for action. What do you want to happen? Is it realistic?

What is his perspective? What change does he feel can
be made? Always conclude with a deep appreciation for
your spouse, and hopes for the future. Afterwards, listen
to what he has to say. He can follow a similar formula, or
use one that covers all of the major points.
If you have already discussed this conflict, we would
suggest you still try the approach above because
you probably were both had a large fight, both felt
misunderstood, and were both not heard. You might
not have fully explain your sides of the discussion. If
there is no result from the discussion, you can either
work on accepting that his behavior with this friend is
here to stay or you can seek professional advice.
Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack.