16 Apr DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

Dear Rabbi and Shira,
Help. I’m not sure what to do, and in traditional avoidant fashion, a=have pushed off till now to ask you. I mean, we knew about the situation after last
pesach. Oh well. So here’s the story. I’m a lubavicher, who found himself in the modern orthodox world, and keep a non gebrokts pesach. I’m married to a
moroccan woman. So here’s the problem. When we go to our parent’s homes, there’s nothing to eat. While I would eat gebrokhts, and premade cakes and the
like. My parents do not. Short of dry matza, potatoes and meat, theres nothing to eat. When we go to my in-laws, they forget that I dont eat kitnios, and put
them in everything. “Oh you mean you don’t eat corn? What’s wrong? It’s just sesame seed paste? No Chumus? How do you live?”
What should I do? I get hangry, and then start snapping at my wife, who gets defensive about her parents. Can you help me?
Nothing to eat.

Dear Nothing to eat,
Wow. That’s a big question.
People are very particular about their Pesach customs. Since
Pesach is one of the foundations of Judaisms, everything about
it becomes part of that structure. Understanding what they
mean
to your family members is part of untangling this complicated
puzzle.
While there are so many parts that people find triggering
and difficult, with proper guidance from a Rav, Pesach should
not be a cause for suffering. Hashem gave us the mitzvos as
a blessing.With specific advice, we can navigate these issues.
The first part is to understand how this topic is affecting you.
You might be feeling so limited with food choices, and maybe
neglected and not taken care of. In your mind, just eating
matza and potatoes is very limiting and it feels overwhelming
to you. You wonder how you will be able to last the full

eight days. The difficulty feels like it will not end. When we
start to feel this way, we begin to feel like we are fighting an
actual enemy. Our body reacts to this as well. We enter a
hyper vigilance searching for stressors. In this way we take
our stressors and build towers of foreboding, avoidance and
anxiety around them.
Once we enter this way of thinking/feeling, we lose the ability
to think and speak rationally. Of course we end up lashing out
at people closest to us; we are seeking to defend ourselves.
However, in our case, there is no aggressor, and there are
some easy steps to take, to plan ahead.
First let’s accept. 1) recognize Your parents are not changing
their Pesach food minhagim. Your inlaws may forget yours.
This is a fact. What it means is up to you. You can choose to
interpret as an affront to you or simply well-meaning people
“just doing themselves.” If you choose to interpret it in the
second way, you go on with life, as opposed to experiencing
outrage and neglect.

Second, if you find yourself getting upset, take a walk outside.
Breathe deeply. Pay attention to each breath. Instead of getting
caught up in feelings of neglect, self pitty, and indignation,
change the topic in your head.
Third, let’s problem solve. What do you need? How many
meals are you eating at each home? Are you staying the entire
yomtov? Are you returning home? How many meals are you
eating with each family? Is there somewhere else you can go to
eat? Is there a place at either home to stash emergency food?
Finally, remember, the yomtov is only 8 days long. As
overwhelming as that can feel, it will pass before you know
it. Take each day as it comes. You need to make it through
the next meal, not all 24 or so all at once. If you practice these
strategies and plan ahead, it will reduce your stress and help
you navigate these days so it will be an enjoyable yom tov.

Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack