07 May DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

Dear Rabbi and Shira,
I am dating a guy who wants to be a rabbi. He’s a smart individual with sterling middis and a big heart. At the beginning of our relationship, I thought
the concept of dating a future rabbi would be great. I love the idea of an open home and taking care of people. By nature I am a very nurturing and
loving person . Now that we are entering the next stage, the engagement talks , my parents are opening up that they are not happy with this choice. They
are worried we won’t be able to pay our bills and they are not in a financial position to help as my dad is also a Rav. Although my family did struggle
financially, I thought I was ready for the mesiras nefesh involved in klei kodesh. But now I’m not sure. I was wondering if you could help put things into
perspective. Maybe this is not a smart idea? Does money come before love?
-A Rabbi’s Daughter

Dear Rabbi’s Daughter,
Thanks for writing in.
There are so many aspects to your question.
In terms of your parents, discuss with them their
concerns and worries. Brainstorm with them how
they got through the different challenges in their
lives, and what difficulites they are anticipating for
you.
It is true that many rabbinc families struggle. What
are your expectations? What are your needs and what
can you honestly live without. Speak with your future
chassan about your concerns. Start working out a
budget together and figure out together what your
needs, expenses and luxuries will be. Don’t forget to
include things like transportation, rent, food, utilities.

Discuss possible sources of funding, including
different jobs while in rabbinical school, family
assistance (which might or might not be present) and
savings. What is your future career aspiration? How
much money will it make? What hours will it involve,
and to what degree will you need child care?
Begin discussing with your future chasan which
rabbnic venues and positions he’s interested in. Some
positions come with a house, benefits and a salary.
Others are a part time salary with full time obligations.
Is there a placement office in his Yeshiva which helps
with finding jobs and negotiating contracts? Yeshiva
University, Young Israel and other organizations have
offices which can be of assistance.
Your future husband might find that he can
have another job besides his rabbinic post. Rabbis

oftentimes are teachers, therapists, lawyers,
professors, accountants and sometimes even doctors.
Another consideration is where you’d like to live
and raise your family. There are different pluses and
minuses to the location where you will serve. If you
choose to serve outside of the tri-state area, housing
costs may be lower, but tuition and kosher food
might be higher. You might find different standards
of education for your children, and might not see
your families as often.
There are many facets to this question, and
“making it work” is not impossible. Wishing you lots
of Hatzlacha.
Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack.