18 Jun DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE
In response to “flawed Flatbush” and “flooded in Flatbush” , I would like to share my story . I am a mother with 4 sons and 2 daughters. The boys were
super easy to marry off and I would say of average intelligence and average in looks . My daughters who are also average have been in the shidduch system for
many years. The experience for my girls has been completely the opposite of what is was like for my boys and is very frustrating . In order to get a shadchan’s
attention, I literally have to call them daily and beg. It is a completely humiliating and degrading experience and most of the time the phone is silent. Then if
the Shadchan finally finds someone she feels is suitable, she wants us to drop everything and meet the guy ASAP which completely devalues my daughters. We
shouldn’t feel that we are at the shadchans beck and call but unfortunately this is the way the system is set up and if we say we need time to think about it and
research, the shadchan is usually onto the next girl. A guy however can take as long as he wants to think about it and do research. Shadchans need to know they
are not helping the situation by making girls feel more desperate than they already feel. The shidduch system has ruined my daughter’s confidence and honestly
mine as well. Fed up in Flatbush!
Dear Fed Up,
We’re sorry that you are having such a hard time.
On one hand, if you are speaking with
Shadchanim who deal with a lot of people, it’s
crucial to stay on their radar. In any networking
situation, connections are made in real time,
“when you’re out of sight, you’re out of mind.”
At the same time, remember that the shachanim
work for you! If you don’t like their “service”
don’t utilize them. If you feel they are too pushy,
let them know, and if it doesn’t change, speak to
someone else! When a shadchan wants you to
drop everything because a guy is available, you
can express to them your feelings and help change
the culture. If they don’t return your calls, find
someone who will.
One does not attend a training course to become
a certified shadchan, they did not receive an
appointment from any communal board, nor the
state of New York. Anyone can set someone up.
While they might know more people and have
more experience, they are not your only method
of finding a spouse for your children.
You are not powerless, nor are you or your girls
desperate. Speak to your friends and network
with them, regarding your single children. Ask
your married children if any of their in-laws, (or
the in-laws of their in-laws) have children who
would be appropriate. Maybe they know someone.
Review the different singles activities in your
neighborhood and see if they are catering to your
needs.
Your (and your daughters) self-worth does not
depend on whether shadchanim call, or at what
point they get married. Our focus in life is to be
Oved Hashem with the life circumstances we have,
not the lives that we wish we had. Daven for your
daughters’ Zivugim, encourage her to do so as well.
Advise them to fill their time with meaningful self-
constructive activities, not waiting around for the
phone to ring.
We know that this is a difficult time. The Gemara
already expressed that it’s as difficult as splitting
the sea to find a shidduch. There is uncertainty,
and no sure-fire answers to success. We have to try
our best, daven and in the meanwhile embrace life
as it comes.
We wish you much Hatzlacha,
Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack.