09 Jul DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

Dear Rabbi and Shira,
I am dating a guy who wants to be a rabbi. He’s a smart individual with sterling middis and a big heart. At the beginning of our relationship, I thought the
concept of dating a future rabbi would be great. I love the idea of an open home and taking care of people. By nature I am a very nurturing and loving person .
Now that we are entering the next stage, the engagement talks , my parents are opening up that they are not happy with this choice. They are worried we won’t
be able to pay our bills and they are not in a financial position to help as my dad is also a Rav.
Although my family did struggle financially, I thought I was ready for the mesiras nefesh involved in klei kodesh. But now I’m not sure. I was wondering if
you could help put things into perspective. Maybe this is not a smart idea? Does money come before love?
-A Rabbi’s Daughter

Dear Rabbi’s Daughter,
Thanks for writing in.
There are so many aspects to your question.
In terms of your parents, discuss with them
their concerns and worries. Brainstorm with
them how they got through the different
challenges in their lives, and what difficulites
they are anticipating for you.
It is true that many rabbinc families
struggle. What are your expectations? What
are your needs and what can you honestly live
without. Speak with your future chassan about
your concerns. Start working out a budget
together and figure out together what your
needs, expenses and luxuries will be. Don’t
forget to include things like transportation,
rent, food, utilities. Discuss possible sources
of funding, including different jobs while in

rabbinical school, family assistance (which
might or might not be present) and savings.
What is your future career aspiration? How
much money will it make? What hours will
it involve, and to what degree will you need
child care?
Begin discussing with your future chasan
which rabbnic venues and positions he’s
interested in. Some positions come with a
house, benefits and a salary. Others are a part
time salary with full time obligations. Is there
a placement office in his Yeshiva which helps
with finding jobs and negotiating contracts?
Yeshiva University, Young Israel and other
organizations have offices which can be of
assistance.
Your future husband might find that he can
have another job besides his rabbinic post.

Rabbis oftentimes are teachers, therapists,
lawyers, professors, accountants and
sometimes even doctors.
Another consideration is where you’d like to
live and raise your family. There are different
pluses and minuses to the location where you
will serve. If you choose to serve outside of the
tri-state area, housing costs may be lower, but
tuition and kosher food might be higher. You
might find different standards of education for
your children, and might not see your families
as often.
There are many facets to this question, and
“making it work” is not impossible. Wishing
you lots of Hatzlacha.
Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack.