23 Jul DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

Dear Rabbi and Shira ,
Hi, last week I had Zoom date with a woman, and it went well. We laughed a lot, and seemed to hit it off. I just was told she’s coming into my
neighborhood at the end of the week and wants to meet personally. I’m not ready for this! I thought wed zoom a bunch of times and if it was
working, then we’d meet personally. I had originally accepted the suggestion, with the premise, that “no pressure, you’ll speak over zoom, and
see how it goes.” Do I like the way she looks? I don’t know, it’s kind of hard to really get that from the screen. How can I get in “the headspace ‘’
for this unexpected development? ~That got real quickly

Dear “That got real,”
Sorry to hear that your date went better than you
thought?! Sometimes things happen in ways that we don’t
expect, and that can make you feel out of control. That
feeling of being out of control is uncomfortable for people.
It brings up associations of previous situations which were
out of control and scary. This in turn will a ctivate our
“fight o r fl ight” (sympathetic ne rvous) sy stem re sponse.
From there, we encounter all of the experiences when we
get startled or scared. Maybe a cold pit in your stomach,
nausea, sometimes your mind fills with racing and or worst
case scenario thoughts. This is all totally normal and par
for the course!
So let’s take a breath. Literally and figuratively! Breathe
in, fill up your chest. Let it out slowly. Repeat. Ok, now
let’s reflect. It seems like things went better than you
thought. You might think this means “another step in
the relationship that I don’t know if I’m experiencing the

same.” Remember, this date just means it’s a date. Our
nervous minds like to attach more meanings to things than
they truly are. Ask yourself, what does this mean to me?
What’s “freaking me out” about this? What’s the worst case
scenario that can emerge from this? The best case scenario?
Now, ask yourself, what are the actual chances that it is
going to happen? Many times, we make possibilities in our
heads larger than they are by trying to avoid thinking about
them. When we backtrack and face them, they become a
lot smaller.
Next, let’s think about what could happen positively on
the date. What are the steps that you can take to make the
date a success? How can you plan for whatever pitfalls you
were afraid of?
Remember, as you approach the date, identify when your
mind is making comments, instead of reporting the facts.
For example, you could say, “Ok, I’m going out on Tuesday
night with this woman with whom I had a zoom first date.”

instead of “OMG, I just had a zoom date, and NOW she’s
coming into NY, that was TOTALLY NOT PART OF THE
PLAN. THAT’S VERY BOLD and FORWARD, WHAT
DOES IT EVEN MEAN?” One statement is the facts, and
the other one has a lot of your mind’s commentary on
the facts, in bold, for dramatic expression. Your brain is
providing commentary, interpreting facts, trying to make
predictions about what is occurring. In short, it’s doing
what it’s supposed to. The only problem is when we confuse
the commentary with the facts. Gently remind yourself,
that you just want to think about the facts right now, to
experience the date. After you return home, review the
facts of the date, then you can focus on your observation.
Behatzlacha Rabbah, and be in touch if you have further
questions!
Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack