08 Oct DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

Hi! I love reading your column.
So, here’s my story. I’ve been married for five months. My wife is kind, considerate, and appreciative. We work long hours and enjoy our
precious time together when we are both home. One difference between us, is that she is such a homebody. She’d rather stay in than go out.
When we were dating, I knew she was more of a recluse, but it didn’t bother me because I would share my time between her and my own personal
friends. But now that we are married, she only wants to stay in and while I appreciate the time we share, I also need other social outlets. As the
months go on, I see that I am slowly losing touch with my friends. This saddens me immensely, but I’m not sure what to do. We are newlyweds
and I don’t feel comfortable leaving her at home, while I go galivanting off with my friends. Last week we hosted our first Shabbos meal. It felt so
good to speak to other people and share quality time with them. Unfortunately, it left her very drained and she mentioned this is not something
she would like to repeat often. What should we do? -Isolated on Long Island

Thanks for reading!
We are so happy that you both enjoy spending time
together. It sounds like you both have different needs
in terms of socialization. We can’t stress enough the
importance of collaboration so that there is minimum of
resentment.
It sounds like your wife is an introvert. Does she find social
settings overwhelming? Painful? What makes social settings
uncomfortable for her? Is she an anxious person by nature?
It could be that over time she’ll expose herself to groups,
learn to be more comfortable in groups settings and maybe
even enjoy them. It also could be that she won’t ever be
adept at navigating group conversations or parties.
It appears that you are an extrovert. Your time with friends
is important to you and you’ve invested a lot into those
relationships. You don’t want to just let them go. You probably
also look at social opportunities as adventures. You treasure

your time with your wife but you also like to be with others.
To begin with, the both of you must demonstrate that you
understand each other’s needs.
Discuss with your wife your appreciation of your
time together, and how much it means to you. Express
understanding of her dislike of social situations, explore it
with her, paraphrasing what she’s told you, to demonstrate
that you’ve absorbed her message.
Speak to her about your social needs as well. We know you
feel uncomfortable going out without her, but we believe
that you should explore the possibility of you going out with
your friends once a week to maintain the relationships that
you are invested in. Invite her to join but if she does not
want to, accept that she has different needs that you have.
With regards to your recent shabbos experience, discuss
with her what was the most draining aspect of the meal?

Was it the preparation, serving or clean up? Was it the size
of the crowd or was it being with people? Discuss with
her if there is anything which could be done to make the
experience easier or better for her? Is there a time when she
could conceive of hosting again?
For most people, friends are a very important component
of a person’s life. Often couples date, get married and
forget their friends in the process; only waking up a year
later to realize that their friends have all moved on and are
no longer interested in a maintaining a relationship with
you. Don’t let that happen to you. Plan a schedule where
you’ll be able to balance her needs for quiet and personal
communication, as well as your needs for socialization.
Good Luck! You’ve got this!

Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack.