05 Nov DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

Dear Rabbi and Shira,
Hi, Thanks for your column, I enjoy reading it on Shabbos. I have a question for you. I recently “dropped the shadchan”
and now am dating someone on my own. I like her, and we get along very well. She recently asked me to text her “good
morning and good night.” I don’t know what to do. I’ve always been told not to converse while dating via texting. What
should I do?
– No Texting in Teaneck

Dear “No-texting”
Thanks for your letter. On one hand, we are very
supportive of the no-text conversation rule. So many
misunderstandings happen because of the ambiguous
nature of the words People get in fights and so much pain
occurs because of misuse of this technology. However,
there are situations in which texting can be useful.
Clarifications of plans, check ins, letting people know
you are thinking of them, all of which can be artfully
accomplished with a text.
It is important to note that no one piece of advice is true
all of the time. Although different pieces of advice, or
rules can be helpful to navigate the shidduch landscape,
they are not halachos Moshe Misinai (parts of the oral
tradition dating back to Har Sinai.) They are guide posts
to help us navigate often uncharted waters or create
a common set of expectations amidst the vast array of

different people and families you will meet.
If you are feeling nervous about this texting, it’s
important to parse why this may be. Are you feeling like
a “rule breaker” pushing boundaries and ignoring “what
is done?”
“Because my Shadchan said.” is not an answer. Rather, if
this directive comes from them, ask them why it is part
of your community’s dating culture and if it is applicable
in this specific situation.
Is there a compromise which can be reached between
the two of you?Perhaps the thought of texting her daily,
and its implications are scaring you, that suddenly
you feel that you have arrived at a new point in your
relationship, and there are responsibilities, commitments
and expectations that are approaching faster than you had
intended. Maybe this is all new to you and not knowing

what to expect is making you scared.
For all of them, we ask you to take a deep breath. Pause.
Ask her why it is so important to her. Discuss how and
why it makes you uncomfortable. What are your needs?
What are her needs? How does all of this make the both
of you feel? Is there a compromise which can be reached
between the two of you?
Navigating differences of opinion and perspective is an
important part of personal growth. Learning about what’s
making you feel uncomfortable and speaking about it is
a great step forward in communication skills which will
serve you in this relationship and wherever you go.
Good Luck and we hope to hear good news soon,
Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack.