19 Nov DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

Dear Rabbi and Shira,
My parents don’t understand me. I understand many teenagers or young adults say that, but in my case it is true and is having serious repercussions on my
future. I went to “all the right schools and seminaries”, never “stepped out of line” and now I’ve arrived at the point in my life where I’m looking to get married.
My parents have been accepting shidduchim for me that are not appropriate. I am looking for guy who will be “kovea itim” but goes to work. They are accepting
suggestions in which the man in question wants to learn for 5 years or more, and I’m not interested. Baruch Hashem my parents are well off and can support my
future family for many years. However, my parents didn’t raise us in that lifestyle, and I am not interested in pursuing it. -Missing the Point in Midwood

Dear Missing the Point,
We’re sorry that you are experiencing
these problems. Consider, the following,
have you discussed with your frustrations
with your parents? You said that you had
“always gone to the right schools” and
“never stepped out of line.” How open
are the lanes of conversation with your
parents? Do you often talk about life
decisions and hashkafa with them? Are
these suggestions coming out of the blue?
Or have you always agreed with your
parents without much discussion about

your thoughts and your plans for the
future? Have you been clear with them
about your thoughts and feelings about
your prospective spouse?
Have you discussed their thought
process why they are setting you up with
men of this direction and background?
Are they living vicariously through you
out of a sense of lost opportunity? Are
they assuming that as you are a “good girl”,
these suggestions are in their eyes or the
eyes of their social circles, the prototypical
“good guy”? Is it possible that these are the

values that they have always subscribed to
but never discussed with you? Maybe they
felt the institutions which you attended
shared these values and they were instilled
in you.
Regardless, always preface these
conversations with gratitude and respect
for all they have done for you, as well as
with confidence in the way that they have
raised you to be able to make these very
important decisions in your life.
Hatzlacha and Gmar Chasima Tova,
Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack.