10 Dec DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

Dear Rabbi and Shira,
Hi! I’m a big fan of your column and enjoy reading it on a weekly basis. I’m having a problem dating. My next-door neighbor, Moshe and I grew
up together. Our parents are best friends, and we speak often daily. I’m now in Shidduchim, and I can’t stop thinking and comparing everyone
who I go out with to Moshe. I think were perfect for each other and share so much in common; goals, dreams and background. I brought this up
to him and he agrees that we are compatible but he’s not ready to date yet. What should I do?
-Stuck on Moshe

Dear Stuck on Moshe,
Hello. It seems you’re in a bit of bind. Is it fair
to date these other men if you’re still fixated
on Moshe? Is it fair to yourself to wait until
Moshe is ready?
What are your options?
You can give up on the Moshe idea. When
you consider all the possibilities in any
situation, you could be paralyzed by the
almost limitless choices. This feeling presents
itself in what we call F.O.M.O., which stands
for fear of missing out. When you think in
a FOMO way, you are consistently looking
over your shoulder, considering possibilities
that could happen that you are not actually
exploring. By never being present, and always

looking at what could be, or could be missed,
you never enjoy what is happening now. If you
close your eyes, and every time your mind
starts a sentence with “But Moshe,” turn your
thoughts, gently but firmly to the matter at
hand. Tell yourself, I’m not dating Moshe. He’s
not currently a possibility; he’s not interested
in dating me now.
You could continue to date people without
putting this to rest. Without doing so, you
will constantly return to Moshe. This isn’t
particularly fair to the guys you are dating, as
you are not present. You are too busy involved
in a fantasy world with Moshe. Until you
decide that “possibilities with Moshe” are only
possibilities, you don’t really stand a chance to

create much of a reality with anyone else.
You could wait till Moshe is ready. The
question is can you wait? Are you willing to
take the chance that you’ll pass up something
better? Is there really a future with Moshe, or
just an ideal, which you haven’t really met yet?
Regardless, we think it would be a good idea
to curtail conversations with Moshe at this
time. Conversations will only confuse you,
not allow you to focus on the present and will
prevent you from truly giving other people
and yourself a chance to find a long-lasting
relationship.
Good Luck!
Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack.