07 Jan DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

Dear Rabbi and Shira,
Is marriage supposed to be happy or are we all supposed to suffer all the time? We recently had our 2nd child and it has made life incredibly stressful for my wife. She takes
it out on me. According to her, because I married her she’s allowed to humiliate me and my family in front of my face. She loves to compare me to all of the neighbors because
I can’t afford to have a nanny and go on all the nice vacations. I’m working long 10 hour shifts at work trying to make ends meet while she doesn’t work. I take my daughter to
school in the morning, make dinner and help with bottles after work but it’s just not enough for her. She doesn’t want me to attend shiurim at night and not meet up with my
chavrusa or sometimes even complains if I come back too late after shul. In her mind, I should help out around the clock and somehow have money because that’s what all the
guys do on instagram. She’s lately had dental problems because she doesn’t brush her teeth regularly and blamed me for it and she rarely showers. She claims she either doesn’t
have time for that stuff or that it’s my fault because I stress her out too much. Meanwhile she scrolls Instagram late at night. How am I supposed to deal with her? I feel like she
really brings out the worst in me and I’ve lost my patience with her. My Rabbi keeps telling me that I have to make it work and keep trying. We’ve seen a few therapists but they
never helped much. The last one suggested that my wife take pills and she didn’t want to go back there ever again. I’ve never been more frustrated and stressed out in my life.
– What Just Happened?

Dear What Just Happened,
We’re sorry to hear you’re having such a
difficult time. When life circumstances change,
a lot happens in the shuffle. When you got
married, your regular rhythms of life changed.
You had to learn new routines, from getting
up in the morning to going to sleep. Suddenly
when you had your first child, things changed.
There were more responsibilities, you had less
spontaneity. to Going from no children to one
child is a big change. Going to two children
is an even bigger one. things become even
more overwhelming. There are even more
responsibilities, and one person can’t necessarily
complete all of them. You’ll find yourselves at
an even greater sleep deficit. It’s a lot harder to
bounce back to normal for you, and even more
so your wife.
You need to begin to embrace the new
normal. Let your wife know when you

are leaving and coming, check with her
if everything is ok before you do. The
situation can deteriorate quickly and feeling
overwhelmed very quickly leads to a sense of
failure and shame.
There will be times you won’t get to minyan
or Shiur because It’s simply too much at home
and your wife does not have the strength.
Don’t worry, once the new routines are in
place things will become easier and you can
resume your regular minyanim.
It sounds like you are helping quite a bit.
Keep it up, your wife definitely appreciates it.
Can you afford some domestic assistance? That
might be able to lighten the load on the both
of you.
One cause of concern is “not brushing
her teeth and showering” On one hand it’s
possible that she could be too busy and
overwhelmed. However, she should speak

to her doctor, as both physical and mental
changes take place after birth, and she could
be suffering from postpartum depression.
Postpartum depression symptoms may
include: Depressed mood or severe mood
swings, Difficulty bonding with your baby,
Withdrawing from family and friends, Loss
of appetite or eating much more than usual,
Inability to sleep, or sleeping too much,
Overwhelming tiredness or loss of energy,
Less interest and pleasure in activities you used
to enjoy, Intense irritability and anger, Fear
that you’re not a good mother, Hopelessness,
Feelings of worthlessness, shame, guilt or
inadequacy, Reduced ability to think clearly,
concentrate or make decisions, Restlessness,
Severe anxiety and panic attacks, Thoughts
of harming yourself or your baby. As you can
see, these symptoms could be part of a serious
condition.

With proper care, and patience for adapting
to “the new normal” you will be able to begin
to see nachas and the bracha that your new
arrival is bringing.
Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack