18 Mar DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

Dear Rabbi and Shira,
Hi. I love reading your column. I’m having an issue. I’m newly married and am having difficulty getting anything done.
My wife calls me all the time to help her with things, whether I’m working, or learning. There are some times that she’ll call
me to do something and then do it herself once I get there. I’d like her to try doing it herself , before calling my name. I don’t
mind helping her, and I feel like I’m very good at “being present” but I think it’s getting excessive.
-Busy in Brooklyn

Dear Busy,
We’re sorry to hear about your difficulty. There could
be a number of different things going on. First it could
be that your wife is not actually asking you to do
anything. She actually might be seeking connection,
not assistance. Dr Jon Gottman refers to this as a bid
for connection. A bid is when a person seeks attention,
affirmation or any other positive connection. Sometimes
they are eliciting a wink, a smile, or request for help or
advice. People don’t always catch the more subtle bids
and as a result the more frontal ones often become more
pronounced and insistent. Imagine when you are trying
to get someone’s attention, and they are not getting the
message. One can imagine the frustration. Learning to
catch more of her bids, and of course making bids of

your own will create further avenues for connection.
Second, these requests could also be part of her “love
language.” Gary Chapman discussed different ways
that people feel cared for. It could be, as Chapman
puts it, “acts of service” are her language. She might be
demonstrating her need for care or affection. To you it’s
just reaching something on a higher shelf, or cutting
some onions, but to her it’s the equivalent of a card or
a phone call saying, “Hi, I hope you’re having an great
day.”
Third, she might be overwhelmed and frustrated,
and feeling she can depend on you is a way that she
feels reassured, and not alone in carrying all of the
responsibilities of the day.

Sometimes open communication can help to decode
the situation. You can speak with her about how you
love to help and be there for her, and at the same time
have responsibilities that you need to complete as well.
You might say, “hey, I’m in the middle of a project, can
I do it in 15 minutes, or 1⁄2 an hour.” As well, you can
try to schedule the day with her, so that you can show
her when you’ll be working on whatever you need to do,
and arrange to be available to help her with whatever
she needs.
We wish you hatalzacha, and feel free to write back if
you need more assistance.
Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack.