25 Mar DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

Dear Rabbi and Shira,
I have been dating a someone for several months, and I think she might be the “one.” We get along well, she’s very sweet,
and we share common goals. There’s one problem, whereas I am very social, “life of the party,” she is very quiet when
we are in a public setting. This is something I’ve only realized recently as we are starting to attend more social events
together and it bothers me. What should I do? -“Yosef

Dear “Yosef ”,
Thanks for writing. Many people ask us what to do
when the person they’re dating is very close to being
who they’d like to spend the rest of their lives with, but
they are concerned that they don’t match up to their
“list” 100%.
The truth is that no one fits into anyones perfectly. Even
if it seems like they do, it’s probably because you don’t
know them well enough. All people are different, and
furthermore, we constantly encounter situations which
are “not 100%” which we would like. In addition, we are
usually don’t match anyone’s “on paper specifications”
fully either.
It’s at this point that we learn to be able to accept them
for who they are. They are not a steak which was not
cooked enough, or a car which came in the wrong color.

People are unique and multifaceted, with traits that
you’ll like, and ones that you are not so fond of. Just
as you also have traits about yourself that you like, and
others about yourself that you wish were not part of you.
As long as the trait is not a deal breaker, then it is very
likely that you will be utilizing the skill of acceptance
quite often. Acceptance means that I look at the whole
picture of who they are, with all of their traits and make
the decision to welcome them fully to welcome them
into your life. It’s not something that happens once, but
often times is as an ongoing conversation with yourself.
You don’t have to love this traits about the person you
are dating, but you do have to learn to accept them.
How do you decide? You can ask yourself what’s really
important to you in a potential spouse(called a core
value)? What is attributes are “make it or break it”?

Which parts can you live with? Understanding your
needs is very important for communication in general,
and especially in dating.
Some questions regarding your situation to ponder, how
much does her quiet bother you? Do you have good
communication skills? Are you able to converse with
her comfortably? Is her quietness a problem because
of a situation, or an experience that you’ve had? Why
does it bother you? Is it possible that it’s overwhelming
meeting so many new people and she is not as quiet as
you think? Have you spoken to her about it?
Hatzlacha Raba, and please let us know if we can be of
future help,
Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack.