03 Dec Dating and Relationship Advice

Dear Rabbi and shira,

I’m married for a year and a half. I have a problem. I can’t stand my husband’s best friend.

I feel like he’s a bad influence on my husband. When he’s around, my husband talks in a way that he normally wouldn’t, drinks more than he should, and smokes pot “occasionally”. Sometimes he acts in such a repugnant way that I am horrified that this is the man that I married. Normally, he doesn’t act like this at all, but his best friend brings out the worst in him. What should I do?

–Hate That Friend

Dear Hate That Friend,

What a difficult situation! You love your husband, but hate his best friend. Have you discussed it with your husband? What good characteristics does your husband see in his best friend? We find it hard to believe that he does not have any redeeming characteristics, especiallly since he is the best friend of your husband, who you love.

This is clearly a touchy subject. You never mentioned if you have brought up this issue in the past. If you have not, you can start with asking if it is a good time to talk. It’s important not to have this conversation when you’re in a fight or if either of you are emotionally triggered.

Begin the discussion with something positive. Then, continue with your observation, “I notice…“ Explainthe behavior you are observing. For example, “I’ve noticed that you act differently when Shlomo is around.” Use phrases such as, “I’m frustrated by”,” I’m hurt by” or “I worry about,” to convey how you feel about the situation. For example, “You and Shlomo are such good friends, and it’s nice to see you two get along so well. I’ve noticed that you act differently when he is around. You have a tendency to drink vodka excessively with him, and I worry what the repercussions of this behavior are.”

This is an important step because you are communicating the facts, how you understand it, and how it is making you feel. While he might have known what is transpiring, he probably doesn’t know how you think or feel about it. After you have discussed what you are seeing, and your concerns, we can turn to the request for action. What do you want to happen? Is it realistic? What is his perspective? What change does he feel can be made? Always conclude with a deep appreciation for your spouse, and hopes for the future. Afterwards, listen to what he has to say. He can follow a similar formula, or use one that covers all of the major points.

If you have already discussed this conflict, we would suggest you still try the approach above because you probably were both had a large fight, both felt misunderstood, and were both not heard. You might not have fully explain your sides of the discussion. If there is no result from the discussion, you can either work on accepting that his behavior with this friend is here to stay or you can seek professional advice.

Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack