27 May DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

Dear Rabbi and Shira ,
Hi. I’m not sure what to do. I’m having a culinary crisis. My Hatan, (Chosson for your Ashkenazi readers,) cannot stand Morrocan Fish, nor
does he like Matbucha. What initially I thought was good natured ribbing, now seems to be much more serious. While I’m pretty used to the
ashkenazic community, I went to ashkenazi schools, and plan on raising my children in accordance with Ashkenaz customs, I thought we could
share my families culinary delights as well. He really wants me to make Gefilte Fish (yuck!) and forgo my family’s mesorah of delicious fish for
bland fishpaste. I’m not sure what to do, as it’s really not Shabbat for me without our traditional foods. My Savta and her Savta have made this
fish! What should I do? ~ Culinary Crisis in Kensington

Dear Culinary Crisis,
We’d like to first share a story of the Kozhnitzer Maggid,
which we find is very instructive. A couple came the
Maggid of Koznitz with a dilemma. A couple was at
their breaking point and at the heart of it was Kugel.
In the wife’s home, the Kugel always came out after
the cholent. Meanwhile the husband waits all week
for his kugel, yet has no room for the cholent. No, he
declares, the Kugel must come before the cholent. His
wife refused to part with the custom of her ancestors,
serving it after the Cholent. The Maggid closed his eyes,
thinking for a moment. He instructed them to make two
kugels, one served before the cholent and one after the
cholent. For the husband, the real kugel would be before
the cholent, for the wife the real kugel would come after.
The remaining kugel would be “Shalom Bayis Kugel.” To

this the Maggid’s family (Hopsteins, Shapiras) have two
types of Kugel.
First we need to stress the significance of each
community’s customs regarding shabbos food, and
zemiros. The chain of tradition that links our shabbos
practices goes back several generations, sometimes
even hundreds of years! While a home should have
one custom, as not to confuse the children, tastes, (pun
intended) can help the home give a very significant nod
to the full background of the two families!
As with all matters in a relationship, compromise is
always very important. First we would urge you to
have an open and honest conversation about what your
family’s recipes mean to you. Listen to his relationship
with his family’s soul food as well. You can alternate, or
make both types of fish for Shabbos (Shabbat). Perhaps

you could cook together, making and sharing the
delicacies of both sides. It can be a bonding experience
for the both of you!
As an aside, try cooking a gefilte fish loaf in salsa or
matbucha, it adds a tangy twist!
Even when not as pronounced, family of origin
differences are like speaking a new language. Each
family has its own language and culture, even if they are
both from the same town in Hungary, Morocco, Iraq
or Poland. Learning to respect, and start to understand
each other is a life’s work, but it makes each one of us
bigger and more sensitive to the needs of our spouse.
Good luck bridging Friday night dinner!
Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack