02 Sep DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

Dear Rabbi and Shira,
Thank you for your column, we read it weekly and enjoy discussing it on Shabbos. What should I tell my
daughter? Baruch Hashem, my daughter, has been thought of by many shadchanim. However, she feels like she
must go on a second or third date with guys that she has a “parve” feeling for. She says “It’s not appropriate to
be a ‘one and done’ unless there is something totally off, otherwise it’s just not nice.” In my mind, I think if she
is not interested, then it’s not nice to lead the guy on, as if she is interested, when she really isn’t. Moreover, I think it’s also
demoralizing for her to force herself out on a date, which she is not interested in going on. -Parve Guys in Passaic

Dear Parve Guys,
Thank you for your letter. We definitely
understand both you and your daughter’s
concerns. Dating is a process of self discovery.
While she might have a picture of whom she
thinks she’d like to marry at the outset she will
discover more and more about herself; her likes,
dislikes and the priorities of her values.
There are occasions where a person who is not
sure should date again to figure out their feelings,
however, when a person simply is not attracted
physically, intellectually or emotionally, dates
like these are a waste of everyone’s time. We don’t

think there is a specific amount of dates that one
arrives at this point, and a good shadchan might
be able to ask probing questions to help your
daughter realize when she’s reached this point.
However, she also will get to understand herself
when she has the feeling that “he’s not the one.”
You can try to talk to your daughter about the
need for self care.
Being completely absorbed in any one mission
leads to burnout. Even in the search for a spouse,
we need to be concerned that we are not wearing
ourselves out. We need to take care of ourselves in
order to be able to achieve any goal. Stopping to

rest is not a failure to achieve, it is part of reaching
the goal itself! Your daughter needs to apply the
compassion that she is demonstrating toward
her prospective guys to herself as well. It is often
easier to do chesed with everyone else except for
those closest to us and especially ourselves.She
cannot simply go out on multiple dates which she
is not seeing any purpose “just to be nice.”
We wish your daughter hatzlacha, and hope
you will celebrate in the near future,
Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack.