17 Dec Dating and Relationship Advice

Dear Rabbi and Shira,

Help! I’m dating a guy who is very sweet and go-with-the-flow. He’s successful, but he’s also chilled out. Here is the problem, despite his success, and the fact that he’s very intelligent, he’s not living up to my expectations. Before you ask, let me explain to you that I know my expectations are too high. For example, when there is an issue, I must solve the problem right away. When he encounters a difficulty, he will think about possibilities, and maybe sleep on it. In his mind, the problem isn’t going anywhere, and tomorrow is another day. To me, I can’t progress until it’s solved, meaning I won’t be able to sleep until there is a solution. For me, I’m looking for everything to be perfect, he is happy with “good enough.” He is not a “slacker” in any sense of the word. I know my expectations are too high, but I can’t let go. When I’m disappointed, I let him know it, blow up, and afterwards, when I’ve calmed down, I realize that I over reacted. What can I do to change my attitude and reactions? I know my reactions are out of proportion, but I can’t seem to stop this negative pattern.

–Too Perfect in Borough Park

Dear Too Perfect,

We’re sorry to hear about this problem, but we are so happy that you are so self-aware. Self-awareness is the first step to redirect your reaction and remedy this harmful pattern.

It’s important to understand how and why our attitudes develop. What are your attitudes towards being perfect? Was there an authority figure in your past that demanded this from you? Was it an attitude in your home growing up? Was “good enough” not enough? When you’ve understood this, you can begin to analyze why “it isn’t enough” Afterwards, you can begin to explore what is the meaning of failure. What does it mean to you that things must be perfect? What does it feel like when you are not?

Identifying these feelings and responding accordingly will help you navigate these situations.

First, when you find yourself becoming irritated, you should excuse yourself from the situation. Nothing good will result from your discussion if you are emotionally triggered. You will be responding emotionally to the situation, not using your mind to rationally find a solution.

Although you may not be able to control your immediate reaction, you have a choice about how to respond thereafter. If you are triggered, you can relax your body, and your mind. You first need to be mindful; aware of these reactions and feelings. Ask yourself, how often do you get upset? Can you describe what it feels like? Where do you carry it in your body? What do can you do to calm down? Have you tried breathing deeply, and exhaling slowly, focusing on your breath as you exhale? Can you feel the place where you carry your irritation relax? Another way you can try to self sooth is by touching soft fabric or running your hand along a table to ground yourself in the moment, rather than being pulled away by your feelings.

Once you are calm, you can discuss the situation more rationally.

Remember to ask yourself how much the conflict means to you, as well as what your desired outcome from the situation is. Appraise if what you’re looking for is possible, rational and if your response is measured to the situation.

The practice of mindfulness is not something that you can change overnight, but with awareness, a commitment to change, and actual work, you will start to see the fruits of your labor.

All the best,

Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack