10 Feb DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

Dear Rabbi and Shira,
Help, I don’t know what to do. I’m supposed to start dating soon, but I’m really nervous about talking to anyone. This hasn’t started
recently—as long as I can remember, I’ve been very scared to meet new people. I’m comfortable talking with my friends since we’ve been
close since kindergarten, but I’ve never done well meeting new people. I tend to withdraw and feel very awkward. How am I supposed to
date and eventually get married? Help!
~Shy in Marine Park

Dear Shy,
We’re sorry to hear that you’re having a hard time.
It is very common to be stressed about new
experiences, and especially when you feel like they
are “high stakes.”
Sometimes we get involved in a cycle of trying to
avoid something, we end up making it harder. We
avoid the thing we’re scared of, and while it offers
momentary relief, it makes things harder. We end
up avoiding things that remind us of the thing we’re
avoiding. It snowballs.
Sometimes it’s based on an experience when
you tried to reach out to someone and it wasn’t
reciprocated.
So what can you do?

Start slowly taking ground back.
The feelings and thoughts might be familiar. They
might sound like a fear and a story that you’ve been
telling yourself for a while. It could be “I can’t speak
to that new person. Maybe i’m going to have a panic
attack and faint” or maybe “I won’t know what to
say and then it will be awkward.” You might even
take out the word maybe and decide this is a fact.
In truth, these are all just thoughts, stories that
your mind is telling you in an attempt to keep you
safe. So thank your mind, and tell it, “thank you
for trying to keep me safe. This is not real. This is a
story.” Imagine a bombastic narrator telling you it.
Or have AI make a caricature cartoon of this
situation.
Another suggestion. Imagine yourself saying hello
hello to someone at work or school that you aren’t

accustomed to. Experience what that feels like. Let
yourself sit with that sensation. See how long it really
lasts. You’d be surprised. It’s much shorter than we
generally think it will be. Then try actually saying
hello. You’ll detect your “danger sense” becoming a
little less hair triggered. Later, you can try having a
conversation with a person or two.
You might still find it hard to speak to new people,
even after trying some of these exercises. If that’s the
case, make an appointment with a licensed therapist
who can help you. Message us for a a referral or to
follow up.
Good Luck!
Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack