07 Jan Dating and Relationship Advice

Dear Rabbi and Shira,

Hi! First of all, I would like to thank you for your column. My family and I enjoy reading it each Shabbos. We are hoping you can help me with this situation. I am engaged to a wonderful guy but recently we are hitting some small bumps in the road with how we communicate and problem solve. We both have very different approaches which has led to some arguments. I want to go for premarital counseling so that we can preempt future altercations. But he refuses to go. He says counseling is just away for people to feel good about themselves and feels that it’s a waste of time and money. I am concerned about his reluctance to go for counseling. Do you have any suggestions that would encourage him to go? Is there a point for me to go without him? Honestly, his opposition towards therapy has caused me to doubt whether I would like to marry him.

–Psyched Out in Marine Park

Dear Psyched Out,

We are so happy that you enjoy reading our column each week and we hope we can provide you with some insights.

From our own personal experiences, we have seen that individual therapy for couples’ problems is helpful, but there are limits. Individual therapy is good for formulating a strategy. It can be useful in helping a person decide whether to continue a relationship or not. A therapist can help a person consider all options when navigating a difficult situation.

On the other hand, we have sometimes found that when a person goes for therapy without their significant other, it may lead to more resentment and arguments. The person in therapy might feel alone. She might feel that the relationship is only on her shoulders and it is solely up to her whether the relationship will work out; which is of course untrue. It takes two committed people to build a successful relationship.

It is also possible that your chassan will feel completely left out of the decision-making process and that you are not listening to his advice and needs.

Obviously, what would be best is for the two of you to go for couples counseling together. You might encourage him to go by asking him some questions. Ask him which gender he would prefer his therapist to be? Would he like a psychologist? Social worker? Counselor? Would he prefer someone local or further out? Someone Jewish or not? Your role will be to be as flexible as possible about these factors since you want him to go. Show him that his input counts.

Explore with him why he is reluctant to go. Maybe he had a bad experience with a therapist in the past? Maybe it’s hard for him to be vulnerable and share his personal life and feelings with a stranger? If he still refuses, you might also want to ask him to be open minded and try it out for just one week. It is possible that if the right shidduch is made between the therapist and couple, that he will be more amenable in the future.

Finally, if you are serious about breaking it off with him because of his refusal to go with you for help, let him know. Perhaps that will act as an impetus for him to go.

We hope that by exploring and discussing this situation together, an action plan will be made that will work for both of you.

Wishing you both shalom and clarity,

Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack