21 Apr DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

Dear Rabbi and Shira ,
My mother in law has caused a lot of problems in our marriage. She is divorced herself and only got divorced years ago because she thought
she could do better. (Spoiler alert, she never remarried). She always seems to suggest to my wife that we should get divorced. The last time
she heard that we had an argument she called my parents trying to dig up dirt on me and asked them if I had any mental problems and tried
to suggest that I have aspergers. The last time my mother in law was in town she rearranged our furniture and put my clothes rack out of our
bedroom. I’d like to think that a married couple should have control of where they place their furniture. The trouble is that now we’re expecting
to have a boy soon and my wife wants to invite her Mom to the bris. I don’t want her anywhere near our house and certainly don’t ever want to
see her again. She is toxic and threatens our shalom bayis. I don’t want to be dragged down by toxic people just because we’re related to them.
What should I do?
-Frustrated in Brooklyn

Dear Frustrated,
It sounds like you’re dealing with a difficult situation.
Was there tension before you got married? Was there
some precipitating event or did she just not like you
“because you married her daughter?”
What are your wife’s feelings about her? How was she
while your wife was growing up? What did your wife
do to manage? It’s hard to believe that you are the only
one who is experiencing this portion of her personality.
Of course it’s very complicated because it is her mother
and at the same time she says very extreme, painful and
inflammatory things, and that your wife seems to want
her at the simcha despite it.
We think you should speak to your wife about the

painful things she says and why they hurt you. Share
with her your apprehensions about her coming for the
bris. Is she aware that this has been going on? How have
you reacted in the past?
Sit down and plan with your wife, perhaps based on
her past experiences the ways to be able to have her at
the simcha and try to minimize possible damage that
she can cause. How long does she have to stay? Do the
comments start at a certain point in the visit or does she
start immediately? Maybe by keeping visits shorter, it
can limit the opportunity for an incident.
In terms of your reactions to her; your writing belies a
very agitated tone in your letter. Is it possible for her to
stay somewhere else, nearby but in further proximity?

Maybe space in between the two of you can be helpful
rather than staying under the same roof. How have you
been responding to her? Have you reacted emotionally
to her? When she’s inappropriate, you can respond,
respectfully, yet firmly that that is a hurtful thing to say,
and she may not address you in that way.
Finally if she is in fact that difficult and hurtful, you
might want to discuss whether or not she should
participate if she cannot act in a civil manner with you
and your family.
Wishing you well,
Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack