19 May DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

Dear Rabbi and Shira,
My friend recently got engaged to a woman I don’t approve of and I’m very disappointed in him. He’s been on over 100 dates
and decided to settle for a woman who is neither attractive nor frum! Religiously, my friend has been all over the map and
claims that he is Chabad now yet I don’t think he has a rav of his own to seek counsel from. I told him he needs to take chossen
classes and he didn’t think it was necessary. I think he needs to learn to drive and work on himself to get a better mate. What’s
your take on this?
~ A friend

Dear Friend,
Thank you for writing in.
It’s very special that you took the time to write about your
friend.
You must be very concerned. Having good friends is so
important.
Especially when they are concerned for each other and
only want the best for each other.
We’d like to understand a little more about your
relationship with this friend of yours. How do you know
them? Do you share the same values? Have you grown
apart? When was the last time you spoke with him?
You sound very concerned for his life choices. Have you
had a

discussion with him about them, in a non confrontational
way? People who feel they are being attacked tend
to double down, and assume a defensive stance.
Conversation needs to take place in an atmosphere where
you are ready to hear him, and then he can be ready to
listen to your concerns. You might not understand what
he sees in his future wife, but you might be able to listen
to him and understand him. As a friend, you can try to
understand what makes him happy.
You say he has been “all over the map.” A person’s
religious path of growth is complicated. For some people,
life’s direction is a straight path, sometimes with inclines.
They know where they feel like they have to go, and while
it can be strenuous at times, the destination is in sight.
For others, it is comparable to a maze. There are twists
and turns, and one might end up moving backwards
while moving forwards and vice versa. Mentorship can

help with someone else who has lived through portions
of “the maze” and can often help offer advice based on
their experiences.
Chasan and Kallah classes (slight pitch here) are
incredibly useful as a place not just to learn relevant
marriage related halachos and ideals, but also as one
enters married life. While getting married can be happy
and exciting, it also can be stressful and complicated. The
Holmes-Rahe life stress inventory, demonstrates that
marriage is one of the most stressful life events, due to the
amount of change which the couple experiences. Having
someone to speak to about it is very helpful.
Feel free to reach out again or give them our email,
Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack