09 Jun DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

Dear Rabbi and Shira,
My son has a friend who lives from outside the new york area who she knows from camp. He comes for shabbos
a lot and due to her job and will be living with us this coming week. However my son has begun seeing someone
seriously and we’d like her to come for Shabbos, but he’s not ready for his friend to know about her yet, especially as
his friend is “in the parsha” and is having a hard time. Can we ask him to find some place else for Shabbos?
~Complication in Cedarhurst

Dear Complicated,
Hi. What a great place your home must be if everyone
wants to come! It also is very special that your son has
that degree of concern for his friend’s feelings. You
should have a lot of nachas for having instilled such
values of hospitality and sensitivity in your son.
Yes. We think you definitely can ask the friend to find
someplace else for Shabbos. Soon enough it will be
inevitable that they’ll find out but in the meantime
it is appropriate. Do make sure that you leave them
ample time to make other arrangements. Don’t
simply drop it on them on Thursday night, and offer
to help them if they are stuck.

At the same time, you should try to make sure it
doesn’t happen too often, that you are asking them
to leave for mysterious reasons. It can be a very
alienating feeling, being asked to leave your defacto
home in an area for Shabbos on an ongoing basis.
We’re sure that sensitivity will prevail to consider all
party’s feelings in this equation!
Once, Be’ezras Hashem, they have “gone public” then
it is still important to consider the friends feelings, as
not to feel like “a third wheel” and to give the couple
space and time as well. A sensitive family such as
yours, we’re sure will help to create an atmosphere
where everyone can feel comfortable. The friend
also should be encouraged to network and while

they always are welcome at your house, they should
broaden their circle so they are not solely reliant on
your son. It is also helpful from a dating perspective,
since suggestions either come from word of mouth
or from events, one can broaden their horizons by
meeting more people. This is especially true when
they are not from the New York area and do not
know a lot of people. Who knows? Maybe your son’s
prospective might know someone for his friend!
People meet in lots of different ways.
Please reach out as the situation emerges!
Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack