Have Questions or Comments?
Leave us some feedback and we'll reply back!

    Your Name (required)

    Your Email (required)

    Phone Number)

    In Reference to

    Your Message


    04 Aug DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

    Posted at 13:03h in by
    0 Likes

    Dear Rabbi and Shira,
    We truly enjoy reading your weekly column in The Jewish Vues and appreciate the balanced advice you consistently provide.
    I struggle with the expectation that the man should always pay for the date. I work, I earn my own money, and in many cases
    I likely make more than the men I go out with. If the man insists on paying, should I allow him to do so even though it makes
    me uncomfortable? How can I handle this situation in a way that is respectful, appropriate within the shidduch system, and
    aligned with my personal values?
    ~ Paying My Way?

    Dear Paying my way,
    Money means a lot of things to a lot of people.
    How we speak of money and how we think
    about it, provides keys to our story of our
    relationship with money and our families. To
    some, money means prestige, position, power,
    to others it means freedom and opportunities.
    Some see it as a burden, others a responsibility
    and a secret.
    Like many practices in dating, who pays for
    the date is dependent on community and
    expectations. Many men would see it as their job
    to court their spouses, and some shadchanim

    would see it as an important part of the financial
    cost of dating and courtship; the expenditure of
    the dates is seen as part of their investment in
    the enterprise of marriage. We can envision
    some men feeling uncomfortable feeling their
    role is taken.
    However other men might see it as a welcome
    change-up every once and a while if you offer to
    plan and pay for a date. It’s playful and can be an
    interesting change of pace.
    How do you know what would be correct? It
    depends on your community.

    In a community where you are using a shadchan,
    ask the shadchan when, if ever it would be
    appropriate. In communities where you are
    negotiating the dating process independently,
    you can float the idea of you planning and
    paying for dates.
    Regardless of how you resolve this question, you
    will need to discuss how each of you think about
    money and how you will talk about money.
    Hatzlacha Rabbah!
    Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack