23 Sep DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

Dear Rabbi and Shira ,
I’m engaged to an awesome girl but I am not sure what to do about her work habits . She has a challenging job that keeps her busy 24/7. Her
boss doesn’t mind if she comes to the office or does her work from home as long as the job gets done. Unfortunately, the job gets done when we
are on dates or just in the middle of a discussion. One minute I’m having a conversation with her and the next minute she’s talking, voice noting,
or texting on her phone completely oblivious to me and our conversation. This is obviously very hurtful. Although she wants to have better phone
habits, she is having trouble breaking this vicious cycle and I am not sure how to help her. – Distracted in Ditmas

Dear Distracted,
Thanks for writing! Welcome to the year
2020! The challenges you are experiencing
are the obstacles many face as the work force
has become more mobile and as the world
can be accessed instantly in the palm of our
hands. While it is great that your kallah’s job is
flexible and that she can work from home, you
are learning that this flexibility comes with its
own set of challenges.
In terms of your Kallah’s work habits, are her
sudden entrances into “Work mode” because
she remembers to do something, because her
job comes with a lot of crises, or a little of both?
Have a conversation with her about which
messages/emails are considered urgent, which
are important, and which are neither. Agree on

a signal, or method of communicating that she
has entered “work mode,” to help manage the
transitions. We think you should discuss with
her how her spontaneous work is affecting
your relationship. Explain how it feels to you
when you are in the middle of a conversation
and she chooses the phone instead.
Although you say her job is consuming her
24 hours a day, does she need to be on call
for that long? Even doctors have work hours.
Is she fully aware of the amount of time she
is spending on the phone? There is a feature
called Screen Time on the iphone which
reports how many hours a day a person spends
on the phone. By monitoring herself, she can
analyze her usage and begin to plan how to
better use her time.

What other boundaries can she put into
place to limit her hours a day that she is
working? Perhaps she can put her phone on
airplane mode a few hours each day. What
rules can you both set up to maximize your
time together with the minimum amount of
distraction?
Think about yourself as well, are you doing
this as well and not noticing?
Come up with an action plan on how the two
of will make time for each other each day with
limited distraction. With the proper planning,
you’ll be able to make that job’s flexibility work
for the both you.
Hatzlacha Rabah
Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack.