20 Oct DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

Good morning, Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack, I came across your article in The Jewish Views, and I was wondering if you’d perhaps be able to
steer me in the right direction: I have cochlear implants to assist my hearing.
Since starting shidduchim approximately a decade ago, nearly all of them have been one and done deals where the girls ended it off before I would
have a say. This is despite doing the obvious: dressing my best, taking the girls to appropriate first date spots (mostly cafes), and having introductory
conversations.
On the rare occasions that I did make a mistake, I was made aware of such as to prevent its repetition, otherwise, I’d receive the infamous “he’s not for
me”, which really isn’t feedback at all. I’d appreciate your help.
Thanks, Not for me

Dear “Not for me,”
We’re sorry to hear that you’re having such difficulty.
We consulted with a frum audiologist in the New York
City area to help us with our response.
So first, the more hearing loss awareness grows this
will hopefully be less of an issue; the more people who
know someone with hearing loss realize they are just as
lovable and uniquely capable as other people.
As we say, it’s very important to be in conversation with
a Shadchan, to explain that there are levels of hearing
loss and functioning with implants and not everyone
can be categorized the same. They need to know that
Hearing loss is usually not part of a greater medical
condition and does not affect intelligence. Many people

wear implants and function beautifully with totally
normal relationships and jobs.
It would be good to have a strong friend reference who
can explain how you manage overall or if their disability
even hinders them at all, so people don’t make worse
assumptions. As well they should know that Ashkenazi
jews are at a higher risk for being born with hearing
loss since this is a recessive gene. Most babies with HL
are born to normal hearing parents and also conversely
because it’s recessive many people with HL give birth
to children with normal hearing. Genetic testing can be
attempted to figure out if the other party is a carrier and
determine if this is even something to “worry” about or
not.
You write that the shadchanim do not provide you with

adequate feedback. If they cannot present reasonable
feedback, then find other shadchanim who can.
Finally, it’s important to keep in mind that the process
of shidduchim can be difficult, and not everyone finds
their match quickly. Every experience which we have
is part of the road which leads us to becoming our
completed selves.
You will meet a lot of people who are closed minded, or
just not the right fit for you. In the end, you’ll meet the
right one. We wish you hatzlacha on this journey, and
encourage you to reach out again with further questions!
Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack