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    30 Apr Dating and Relationship Advice

    Posted at 21:30h in by
    0 Likes

    Dear Rabbi and Shira,

    Hi, I’m engaged to a wonderful guy. He treats me well. He gets along well with my family, but i’m having a problem with how sensitive he is. On one hand, he’s very sensitive to my feelings and input, but on the other hand, he’s also sometimes emotionally fragile, and easily hurt. He gets offended very easily by others. If there is something I want to talk to him about , I have to navigate my conversations very carefully , in fear of hurting him. What should I do??? –Worried in Woodmere.

     

    Dear Worried,

    Mazal tov on your engagement! It sounds like you found a really special guy. We’d like to share a couple of points for you to consider.

    Being that we are in the time of sefirat haomer, our Rabbis teach that the 49 days between pesach and Shavuos correspond to 49 different personality traits (middos). Each trait needs to be clarified, and contextualized. A good midah in the wrong situation is not productive, and can be very damaging.

    A great example of a middah that can be used positivity and negatively is sensitivity. It’s wonderful to be a sensitive person and care deeply about others, but when it hampers your ability to function and interact with others, it can be damaging.

    While Your Chasan sounds very respectful and attentive to your needs and feelings, he has trouble hearing feedback because of that same sensitivity.

    Some questions to consider ….

    How often does he rehash a situation when his feelings are hurt? Does it become an all day or multiple day activity? How do you address his sensitivity with him?

    Having to consistently tip toe around him is not healthy for either of you or your relationship.

    Talk to him about what exactly is upsetting him. Validate his feelings, and then discuss with him whether or not his expectations are realistic for everyone. While he might be unique in his sensitivity, everyone else may not be.

    You might consider speaking about this with a therapist who can help the two of you break down the dynamics of what is occurring.

    B’hatzlacha!

     

    Rabbi Reuven Boshnack LMHC and Shira Boshnack, M.Ed. are OU-JLIC Torah Educators at Brooklyn College, where they support hundreds of young people on campus through Torah learning, programming and halachic and personal guidance. The Boshnacks started the now popular JLIConnections, an online dating platform for OU-JLIC students and alumni. The views and opinions expressed in this column are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or positions of OU-JLIC or the OU.