11 Mar Dating and Relationship Advice

Dear Rabbi and Shira,

I have a problem. I’m dating a great woman. We are very compatible, she’s attractive, intelligent, and I really like her. Here’s the issue: Often, when she goes out with friends or I see her speaking with someone else- especially someone from the opposite gender- I find myself getting very jealous. We both have very limited time due to our jobs, and I feel like any spare time she should spend with me. How else can you build a relationship? When I tell her how I feel, we end up in a fight .What should I do?

-Jealous in Brooklyn

Dear Jealous,

We think it’s very special how self-aware you are. Usually, we hear from the person who is the subject of such jealousy, and it’s refreshing that you understand that you are the one who is starting the fights.

We often carry inside of ourselves the secret hopes that we will find happiness, maintain our identity and safety in our relationships. When one of these hopes doesn’t materialize, it shakes us; our dreams aren’t coming true, and possibly our nightmares are materializing. Possibly, when you are having these reactions, you are cuing in on these fears.

For example, “She likes them better than me.” “I’m not good enough.” “We’ll never have a life together.”

This leads you to act in an irrational way, feeling hurt and starting a fight. What can you do to short circuit this pattern? Reflect: Can I understand what she’s doing in another way? Not every conversation with someone else is “choosing them over you.” Remind yourself; she has her own life, friends and context, whereas you “just came on the scene.” Take some deep breaths before reacting. Talk about your feelings with her.

We hope you will be able to navigate this “bump in the road” and have a happy life together.

Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack