05 May Dating and Relationship Advice
Dear Rabbi and Shira, I recently got engaged to a wonderful person and we set the date of our wedding. The problem is I am now unsure that the date we set is the most optimal time to get married. The original plan was for me to get married in a beautiful hall with 400 guests. This has been my dream since I was a little girl. Now that plan seems unrealistic considering the wedding is set for June. My parents want me to stick to the original date, but I really do not want my wedding to be only for immediate family. (I don’t even get along with my family). I am also concerned that it may not be such a good idea to start my life off with my husband in lock down. I do love him, but is there such a concept of too much time together? We would both be working from home and therefore not really leaving our small apartment. I’m scared we are starting our marriage off on the wrong foot. Is there something wrong with our relationship that I am doubting whether I can be in lock down with him for so many hours each day? I’m curious to hear your thoughts.
-To Wed or not Wed…
Dear Trapped, Dear to Wed or not to Wed, Mazal tov on your engagement! We are so happy you are bringing this topic up as many conversations like this are happening throughout our Jewish community. We are living in very uncertain times. Uncertainty can bring on a great deal of anxiety. At this point it does not look like a wedding in June with 400 guests will be possible. There will most likely still be restrictions on how many people can attend an affair. Before deciding whether to postpone, here are some thoughts. Although it is your wedding, you and your chasan are not the only ones in the decisionmaking process. Your parents and his parents are also are an important part of it. A family discussion is in order so that everyone has a chance to express their feelings and concerns. Consider the following. How does your chasan feel about postponing the wedding? How does your future in laws feel? Do you feel you could forsake your childhood dream of a large wedding or will you harbor long term resentment? Did you consider the fact that in a few months the situation may unfortunately not be so different? Did you consider how a long-term engagement might impact your relationship? Engagement periods are stressful and postponing the date may lead to tensions, fighting and stagnation in your relationship. It can also cause conflict between both families. On the other hand, you have a right to feel concerned about the amount of time the two of you will be spending as a newlywed couple. Spending all day with only your husband and no other face to face social interactions can be very daunting and challenging. In general, getting married is a happy yet stressful change in your life. Being locked in together only compounds it. Having these concerns, doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with your relationship. It means you are thinking ahead and being realistic. Even couples who have lived together for many years, are asking themselves how they are going to make it through. If you are going to get married in June, you will need to have an action plan so that your relationship can grow and flourish. Everything about our lives right now is new, and we don’t have “plans” in order to deal with them. We are still writing our own scripts. Every situation is different, and will require flexibility to find what will work for you and your families. You might have to compromise on your original expectations. Compromise means that you’re willing to cede on some things, not everything. Some of our Chasanim and Kallahs have even said that they enjoyed their small wedding and found it very spiritual in the end. Try to see the pros and cons of each approach. It might take some creativity and flexibility. We hope we’ve given you a lot of food for thought to help you make your decision, Mazal Tov and Besoros Tovos
Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack