16 Jun Dating and Relationship Advice

Dear Rabbi and Shira, 

I’m 31 years old and engaged to a wonderful divorcee. We have so much in common and are planning to get married in just a few weeks. I am excited but hesitant at the same time because there is more to this picture. Three beautiful children, no sleepaway camp, and an absentee mother. I was picturing a quiet summer to bond and connect with my husband alone and then slowly transition to family life. This is in fact why we waited till the summer to marry even though we have been dating each other for quite some time. Overnight, I feel like my world has been turned upside down. It’s so overwhelming. I am not sure now how we can start our marriage off smoothly. I want to have couples time with my husband alone but due to the fact that sleepaway camps are canceled, I’m just not sure how this is possible. I also want to build a relationship with his children. I want them to learn to love and trust me. I’m just not sure how to go about all this. How can this transition happen smoothly? How can we become one big happy family? 

-One Big Happy Family?

Dear One Big Happy Family, 

Mazal tov on your engagement! This definitely seems like a very challenging situation as your expectations for the beginning of your marriage are not the way you had imagined it. Try not to dwell on how your plans have changed. It will get you nowhere. Note your frustration, and do your best to move forward. Keep your eyes open for the new opportunities which life is presenting you with. Jonathan Bray, in his book Stepfamilies, noted that “at the heart of every well functioning blended family is a well-functioning couple.” The key to building your new family is to work on trust and communication with your spouse. This means that you need to continue to date your spouse after you have married. Schedule time to talk on a daily basis, whether it is over a cup of coffee or sitting on the porch. We suggest being creative, to ensure romantic moments. Spontaneity is overrated. Try to schedule these moments, so that you’ll have consistency, such as a once a week date night. With our current health situation, you’ll need even more ingenuity. For example, if you can’t go out, try scheduling a date night in the backyard or in the dining room when the children are asleep. Dr. Susan Johnsohn (author of Hold Me Tight, among other books, and founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy) refers to couples interactions as “dances.” You step in one direction and your partner steps in another. These dances form recognizable patterns. We can extend this to families as well. Families are a dance ensemble. Each member has their steps, which they have rehearsed. You need to be able to learn to read them and when someone makes an unexpected step, you can improvise. Patience is key. You need to be patient with your new children and remember that love and trust develop over time. You will be learning each member’s “dance steps” meaning what each member’s needs, goals, dreams are and how they manage when their expectations are not met or when there is conflict. People don’t always share their feelings frontally, especially children. Sometimes you will need to listen deeply and carefully to what they are and aren’t saying and this skill will take time to hone. One way to think of the difference between blended and nuclear families is that blended families are like a crockpot meal, while nuclear families are like a quick skillet sauté. Purely biological families are seared together with fierce devotion and love, yet stepfamilies stew together slowly, taking time to bond and become unshakeable. (April Edelmire, Gottman Blog) Please remember that you and your husband will have different points of view on many things including parenting styles. Conflict is inevitable, but you must try to manage conflict with compassion, empathy and understanding. Creating a new family requires love, true dedication, patience, and resilience. Sometimes, you might forget your destination in the middle of the process. But keep your eye on the prize and remember the goal….One Big Happy Family 

Wishing you so much hatzlacha, 

Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack