23 Jun Dating and Relationship Advice
Dear Rabbi and Shira,
I don’t know what to do. My younger sister is engaged to one of the first guys she dated and honestly, I’m jealous. We are three years apart, and she’s always been “the popular one,” and “the pretty one” and now she is the “engaged one”. It’s not fair that she is moving on to the next stage of life and I am still stuck and may never move on. The fact that my home is now revolving around her isn’t helping. The “soon by you” comments by well-meaning family and friends are making me feel awful, worthless, and pathetic.
I want to be happy for my sister, but I am not. I feel bad about my jealousy towards her. I honestly must be the worst sister on this planet. How can I get through this time? Better yet how can I learn to be happy for her and dance with her with joy for her on her wedding day? –Jealous on J
Dear Jealous,
It’s difficult when two sisters are close in age and the younger one gets engaged first. It sounds like you are resentful that she has something which you believe rightfully belongs to you. You mention that it is unfair that she is moving on before you and that you fear you will never get married. These fears and doubts make you question your self-worth and may cause you to believe that you are unlikeable, and no one will ever want to marry you.
In order for you to be happy with yourself and your sisters upcoming marriage, we recommend the following:
Practice self-compassion. Many of us tend to judge ourselves harshly for experiencing what is part of the normal range of human emotions. In your head you are telling yourself that you are a bad sister and you should be happy for her. However, these “shoulds” only makes the situation more difficult, and open the door for other uncomfortable emotions, like shame and anxiety.
The way we talk to ourselves, impacts the way that we feel. Instead of berating yourself, engage in positive self-talk. Normalize your experience. It’s understandable to feel upset when someone else has something that you want. Conflicting emotions are hard to deal with, but they are more common than you’d think. While it is normal to be jealous of your sister, also know it is possible to be happy for her at the same time.
Next time you are feeling jealous, interrupt envy with gratitude. It is true that when we are upset with our circumstances, it can be more difficult to practice gratitude. However, the reality is that these are the moments when we need it the most. Gratitude is not about ignoring what we desire but choosing to focus on the things we do have that bring us value or joy. By focusing on what you are grateful for, you will not overwhelm yourself with what you lack. It’s important to adjust ones perspective, when life is not working the way we would want.
Our human nature is to be vigilant to potential threats, therefore our first reactions to negative events are stronger, speak with authority but may not be valid at all. We may wildly distort the magnitude and meaning of these situations. It is important to fact check those beliefs and decide whether the explanations are true or false. For example, you may feel worthless because you are not engaged, but the fact is, it doesn’t make you worthless. Hashem Yisborach gave you a unique Neshama, something of infinite worth. Hashem would not have put you here if you did not have value. Remember, someone else’s success doesn’t change your worth, but what it can do is flavor your feelings. While feelings come and go; our worth doesn’t change. Please make sure to separate facts from feelings.
Although your sister’s engagement is a very large portion of her life right now, try to discuss other things with her so that the two of you can connect in other ways. Try to see that her engagement hasn’t taken anything from you, your wellbeing, or your future husband. Hashem has a different plan for you than the one you are expecting, hold on, you’ll see where it takes you.
By working on the practices mentioned, Bezras Hashem you will get through challenging time with your sister and rejoice with her on her wedding day.
If you are still finding it difficult, you might want to seek counseling with a mental health professional.
Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack