14 Jul Dating and Relationship Advice
Dear Rabbi and Shira
Someone suggested to me that I should write to the two of you. Although, I’m not sure what my questions are.
I started seeing a girl only two weeks ago…but it’s been a whirlwind of two weeks. We’ve compared it to a train with no breaks. We’ve talked almost daily, met up for 3-4 times in person (for anywhere from 30 minutes to 3 hours), and have had phone/zoom conversations on the same day for 2-4 hour. I have no idea what I should be doing, or what the next steps. This is all happening so fast. I’m not sure what happens next.
-No Breaks in Brooklyn
Dear No Breaks,
Hi. It sounds like you’ve met someone very exciting! You are connecting well with her, and you are enjoying your time together. We believe the next steps will be to discuss expectations, work on pacing the relationship and asking the right questions to continue growing your relationship.
Everybody has expectations. We use them in order to make sense of a world full of constant new experiences. You expressed some confusion as to what should come next. In some communities, there are guidelines as to how many dates one goes on until they are engaged. We’d recommend having a conversation with her, discussing if she has any thoughts or expectations with regard to how long this journey should take.
Examine your own thoughts and expectations as well. Do you think 3 months is enough time to meet and understand the person you are marrying? Maybe 6 months? Or do you require more time? Are you seeking to find out if there is potential compatibility? Or are you trying to begin building a relationship, and then evaluating compatibility based on that? Then compare notes, and understand what each of you expect. If there is a difference in these expectations, try to find a way to meet in the middle.
Pacing your dates and communication is very important. On one hand, it’s very exciting to see and talk with someone new, especially when there is mutual interest on both sides.However, you also need time to process and evaluate your experiences. What do you like about her? What do you like talking to her about? Do you share the same religious and moral values? Do you guys laugh together? What excites you about her? What worries you? Are there any red flags? If you can only see positives, get to know her better. Everybody has flaws. Noone is perfect.
If you read our column weekly, you know we are big fans of open ended questions as they deepen a relationship, by encouraging broad and thinking, answers. We encourage you to use open ended questions. Instead of “did you like the book?” ask “what about the book did you like, and why?” Instead of “where is do you for yom tov,” try “where is your favorite place to go for yom tov, and why?”
Furthermore, The Gottman institute has a great tool for deepening relationships and conversations called the 52 questions you must answer before getting married. It is a deck of cards which has questions relating to four different topics , Romance, Social Life, Work and Money. They include questions like Are you a planner or more spontaneous? How do you feel when you have to go against your preferred ‘style’? When the workload at home gets lopsided, how will you address ‘who does what?’ These questions help deepen the relationship as well.
Good Luck, Please keep in touch, We’d love to see how the relationship develops,
Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack