21 Jul Dating and Relationship Advice

Dear Rabbi and Shira,

I love your column. Thanks for writing it! Up until now, I’ve been trying to meet someone the “old fashioned way.” I’d meet people at events, or in school, but since the advent of COVID, ways to meet people have dried up. So, I decided to try meeting people by going to shadchanim. My only experiences so far have been very frustrating. The first time I was set up I thought I was speaking with the shadchan, but in truth, it was the guy posing as a shadchan, asking me why I didn’t want to go out with him. When I said I wasn’t really attracted to him and I thought religiously we were on different levels, the “shachan” got all defensive. I realized something was off and noticed the phone number the “shadchan” call me on was really the guy’s number. The next profile I received sounded great. He wrote a bio about himself which I really liked because I like to know more about the person than where he went to school and what his background is. Based on his description, we seemed very compatible until the very last sentence where he wrote he would only like to date a skinny girl. Who writes that on a resume? Maybe that’s something you tell the shadchan in person, but to write it out just like that! It felt very demeaning and degrading. Shidduch dating is making me extremely uncomfortable and I am questioning whether to continue. Are my experiences the norm?

–Bewildered in Brooklyn

Dear Bewildered,

We’re sorry to hear that the beginning of your shidduch dating has been very challenging.

We commend your bravery to try something new! This is one of the areas of life in which there are no formula for 100% success. There is no one particular way to date, and as Shira often will say, “there are different ways you can meet your spouse, if one isn’t working try a different one. Utilize all your options.”

Both situations which you described are not normal. In the same way that you can meet unpleasant people in any given circumstance, you have encountered two unsavory people who have not acted appropriately. It’s disappointing this happened so early in your shidduch experience. It is good that you followed your instincts with both individuals. Our brains and bodies run “danger checks” in the background of our minds. This feeling can keep us safe, and listening to it is important. Trust your feelings, regardless of the platform, if something feels off, it generally is. If you are not sure what to do, seek advice from someone you trust.

While it’s unfortunate you had two bad experiences at the beginning, fortunately you trusted your gut and didn’t meet the individual in person. It is important you speak to the people who set you up, so that your experiences do not happen to anyone in the future and that the shachan knows you are not just rejecting the individual without a real reason. Many shadchanim do put a lot of thought into their matches before presenting it and can get frustrated by rejection as well.

One thing you can do to limit these frustrating situations is to vet your shadchan. Who is setting you up? How do they know you? Do they know you? Where did they get your profile? Have other people you know accepted matches from them? Only accept possibilities from someone you trust and make sure that the shadchan knows who you are and understands what you are looking for. If that means meeting the shadchan in person or a long conversation on the phone, carve the time out and do it. You are not just another resume! You are more than your background and your schooling! You are a person with individual needs, traits, and personality. Make sure the shadchan understands YOU!

Another way to minimize encounters with individuals who are not for you, is to find people who know the person that is being presented that is not on the resume.

We are so sorry that you have had some bad experiences in the beginning, but don’t give up! Keep trying! There are many people who meet their future spouse through shadchanim or dating sites. There are normal guys out there!

Wishing you success in finding the right shadchanim and the right shidduch!

Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack