18 Aug Dating and Relationship Advice
Dear Rabbi and Shira,
I was wondering if you could help me. I got engaged to a sweet boy from Florida right before Covid began. As all girls, I had been dreaming of my wedding day my entire life and had never planned that Covid would be a factor in my wedding.
We waited till the end of the summer hoping that restrictions would ease up; however, reality has set in and we are getting married in less than a month.
The problem is that his family is refusing to quarantine before the wedding. They lost enough business when their store was forced to close and they can’t afford to quarantine for another two weeks. As a result, many of my parent’s friends aren’t coming to the wedding. Worse, many of my friends will not be there either because their parents won’t allow them to come. The wedding I had envisioned will stay a dream as my hall will not be brimming with guests and people I love and care about.
-Feeling Empty on East 15
Dear Feeling Empty,
The effects of COVID are continuing to be felt in our lives. Between the health, financial, and social, COVID still is creating a new reality. Your situation, while not uncommon, is another byproduct of this reality. We’re assuming that you have already tried to rationally discuss the situation with your Chasan’s family, and there’s no convincing them. We are also assuming that you feel as if you have run out of options and have consulted with a medical professional about what you can do. At this point we’re going to recommend that you practice “radical acceptance.” This idea figures prominently in mindfulness practices. You cannot control your future in-laws actions. You cannot control your friend’s reactions. You can work on your own thoughts, feelings, and reactions. Try to think of all the facts that led to the event that you have a hard time accepting. State the facts. Don’t judge something as good or bad. We’re saying this not undermine the pain you’ve been through or are currently experiencing, but simply to find a way to move on from a certain event and feel more free from it. Then accept the feelings. Try to observe which emotions arise in you when you are thinking about this event? Maybe you feel frustration, anger, sadness or shame. Do you feel a certain sensation in your body as a manifestation of the emotion? It could be an obvious sensation such as sweaty palms or increased heart rate, or you might have a milder emotional reaction. Whatever you feel, try not judge or push away that emotion, instead try to note it, and welcome it. Remind yourself that you can’t change what has already happened. By fully accepting the emotion and the physical sensation you could feel a sense of ease, or be able to move on from them. Your mind may be telling you a story, “no-one is coming to my wedding and it’s going to stink.” Note that thought. Say, “Ok mind, thanks for telling me that story.” Move on to ask yourself, what is going to be great about my wedding? Maybe the fact that you are getting married, or that some people will still be there. Perhaps you’ll be able to have a sheva brachos meal with the people who could not make it. That’s really what saying sheva brachos after the wedding is about, so other people who weren’t at the wedding can feel the spreading simcha. Remember that as much as you have been looking forward to it, the wedding is only for several hours, and your relationship with your husband will be B’ezras Hashem, for the rest of your lives. Celebrate the parts of this wedding which will bring you joy. If you are still feeling distress, or need help practicing these skills, please seek help from a therapist. Maybe some other circumstance will change for the better, in a direction that no one was expecting. Hatzlacha Rabba,
-Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack