10 Nov Dating and Relationship Advice

Dear Rabbi and Shira, I met a wonderful man who is compassionate, kind, personable and warm. He is everything I would want in a guy and treats me like a princess. After years of searching, I thought I had found the one. So what is the problem you may ask? He comes with a package, two. Two beautiful children who are not so happy to have another woman in the picture. I am having a difficult time bonding with them even though I am trying so hard. I always smile warmly, bring them gifts, and take them out for dinner, but they just don’t seem interested in me and look so sad the whole time. I find this extra challenging because I am a teacher and pride myself on how well I connect with kids of all ages. I honestly am at loss with what to do and I am starting to think maybe its time to move on. Being in their lives is causing friction and conflict in their home. What are your thoughts? 

-Extra Packages in Park slope 

Dear Packages, 

Hi! We’re glad to hear that you’ve met somebody special! There are challenges in entering a preexisting family situation. But as well as challenges, there are also opportunities. All families are systems and have their own cultures, their own ways of doing things. There’s a difference between playing basketball on a team versus a pickup game. A team who practices together and knows how each other plays is like a well-oiled machine, everyone knows their parts. If you’ll forgive the analogy, you are walking off of the street into the middle of a game already in progress. Studies show that it can take remarried families three to five years for most members to develop a sense of belonging. The children very likely see you as someone coming in and taking away their father and trying to replace their mother. If you are not the first woman who their father has dated, they may feel that you might not stick around. There are experiences that they have, which you haven’t shared with them. This can make you the odd man out. You must move with patience, understanding that you are playing a long game. You are not replacing their mother. You are creating a new relationship with mother-like properties. Over time, you will build a relationship with them, creating your own “shticks” with them. You will learn their personalities; they will learn yours. You will all slowly become a new team. This is not an issue which can be fixed with any one-time solution. You will all need to grow together. You must communicate with the person you are dating about how you are feeling about the process, your expectations and his expectations. You must forgive yourself. This is your first time entering someone else’s family. Your students get to go home at the end of the day. These children do not. It’s a weird situation for everyone involved. There will be much trial and error, and everyone will make mistakes. When you create a forgiving atmosphere, of laughter and learning, you will invite everyone around you to do the same. We believe this can work out! We wish you much hatzlacha with whatever you decide! 

Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack