02 Dec Dating and Relationship Advice

Dear Rabbi and Shira,

I’m hoping you can help me. My boyfriend just brought up the M word! While most girls would be happy with this announcement, I am not most girls. I have had many relationships that have gone south in the end and so I’m not sure I am ready to take this big step. Also, he comes from a more religious background than me and I’m scared how that will play out in our marriage. I know its normal to be scared but how do I know it’s the normal amount of being scared. Do I push myself to say yes and just do it? Help! LOL

–Nervous on avenue N

Dear Nervous,

Thanks for writing in.

There’s a lot to unpack. We’d like to ask several questions.

How long have you guys been dating? Are you comfortable with him? If you are unsure, get to know him and get to know yourself and your needs. There is always more to learn. Remember, there is no race, so if you need more time to decide, take it. Be sure to be open and honest with him so that he knows how you are feeling.

Was this announcement sudden and out of the blue? Is that what is making you anxious? Do you like him and really want to marry him but are just letting your past relationships get in the way of truly committing to this one?

You mentioned your religious backgrounds. How are your religious levels now? Do they match up? What do you both see “eye to eye” about? Where do you differ? Do you get along with his family? Is that what is troubling you? Have you brought your concerns about religion to him? Investigate your expectations regarding religion and what role it will play in your future lives together. Afterwards, you can brainstorm, and problem solve to figure out how to navigate it together.

Are there other red flags that are causing you to be hesitant? It could be you are picking up on something which is wrong. When something feels wrong, it usually is. However, if you are interested exciting and willing, but there is anxiety which is holding your back, we suggest you meet with a therapist to learn how to manage it.

You should not push yourself into anything that you aren’t ready to do. This will only breed resentment and will work against you. I know you might feel pressured, but don’t push yourself to make a decision that isn’t right for you! We definitely wouldn’t want you to marry a person that isn’t suited for you.

Wishing you much Hatzlacha,

Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack