27 Aug Dating and Relationship Advice

Dear Rabbi and Shira

I’m engaged to a great young woman. We connect well, have similar life goals, and are excited to get married and spend the rest of our lives together. One hiccup has happened in our preparations. My kallah’s parents own a building with three apartments in it. My kallah was happy to announce that they will give us one of the apartments for a third of the mortgage, meaning: only whatever it costs her parents. I could barely conceal my surprise; my parents, who are strapped for cash after having made two other weddings last year, are giving us a car which they are paying for. Why aren’t her parents giving the apartment to us for free? Moreover, why was she so happy about her parents’ decision?

Muddled in Midwood

Dear Muddled in Midwood,

Mazal tov on your engagement! As with many things in your relationship, you will find your expectations will be colored by your family’s experiences. Money is something which has many expectations attached to it: who makes it, how is it spent, what are expectations regarding repaying loans, or assistance from parents. Her parents might have taught her, “If you are old enough to get married, you are old enough to pay for your apartment”. A responsible adult pays their own way, so she understands that she is an adult, needs to pay, and is happy that she is getting a little break. You might have grown up hearing people who care for each other will do whatever is necessary to help each other. So your parents said, “We’ll try to give you whatever we can afford. Family comes first!” Therefore, when you hear that his parents will charge you money that sounds outrageous! Both approaches are valid. Both have merit. You can understand a lot about your future spouse and how she works, her expectations and values, by observing her family. It’s very important to unpack expectations. When you reach a disagreement and your kallah’s point of view is hard to understand, try to unpack the expectations. What led her to develop this expectation? Does family play a role in that expectation? What are the benefits of her point of view? Then consider how can you compromise or practice acceptance of the situation. Behatzlacha Rabba,

Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack