09 Aug Dating and Relationship Advice
Dear Rabbi and Shira,
I’m hoping you can help me. I have been friends with this guy for the past few years. We get along well and I have strong feelings for him. The problem is that though he “adores” me as a friend, he just doesn’t see our relationship as anything more than a friendship. I see real potential but he won’t give “us” a chance. Do I have a chance? Is there something I can do to convince him? If not, how do I let go and get over him? I’ve tried when he originally rejected me the but it’s hopeless.
-Still Hopeful in Brooklyn
Dear Still Hopeful.
It’s time to let go. He is not interested in being your boyfriend, just your friend. While we are big proponents of “you never know;” if he isn’t interested, then very little is going to change his mindset. Maybe, at a later point in your dating lives, if the both of you are still available, then you can revisit it. For the time being it looks like this door is closed. We know you were hoping for a different outcome. Sadly, you cannot control the way other people feel about you. The only variable you can control is to change your reactions and action plan. You can stay chained to this one-sided relationship or set yourself free for a better one.
We think it is probably best for you to end this friendship. You are confusing friendship with a possible marriage. You think this could be the beginning of a lifelong relationship; however, he doesn’t see you as anything more than a friend. As long as you remain in this friendship, you will find yourself confused between the two. You might feel afraid to end this relationship for fear of losing your “chance.” Upsetting the status quo is scary. Leaving what you’re used to and comfortable will be uncomfortable. However, you cannot continue the relationship this way.
There will be times that you’ll feel sad and lonely that this friendship has ended. You’ll doubt that you made the right decision. Don’t let that fear hold you back. When you are upset, try to bring yourself into the present moment. The present is where life happens. The present is the key to your future.
Begin speaking with shadchanim or accepting matches on the platform of your choice. Once the world goes back to normal more, consider going out to some singles events.
The first steps might be the hardest but at this point it’s time to shut the door with this boy and open the next door to new opportunities. You are the one who has the key to unlock your future.
We wish you hatzlacha in opening the door to your new life,
Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack