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    21 Dec DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

    Posted at 22:44h in by
    0 Likes

    Dear Rabbi and Shira,

    I started dating a wonderful man in the autumn and things were all falling into place. I was so excited for our future to begin together. We were making our plans for our engagement and wedding. And then seasonal depression struck. Honestly, I have been struggling with it for years but I thought now that I found someone who makes me feel so happy, I wouldn’t struggle as much. Sadly that is not the case.

    I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning. I’ve lost my interest in going out and dating. I feel tired, anxious and hopeless about our future. Just getting to work every day takes all the strength out of me. My boyfriend is very worried about me, but I’m afraid to tell him the truth, and tell him that this happens to me every year. Although I know I will feel better in the spring, I’m not sure my relationship can weather the winter.

    Winter Blues in Brooklyn

    Dear Winter Blues,

    We’re sorry you are dealing with Seasonal Affective Disorder. You are not alone! Many people are affected by the shortened days, the lack of the light and the cold weather keeping them inside. We hope you are in discussion with mental health professionals in order to cope with it. Treatment, changes in diet, activity and even light exposure can assist with it, but consultation with a professional is a must.

    We’d like to start with a point which you brought up in your letter, that you thought that now that you have a relationship, you wouldn’t be struggling during the winter. Achieving a goal will not be a lasting cause for enduring happiness. When we make the statement, if I’m in a relationship, then I’ll be happy, we are setting ourselves up for dissatisfaction. It is great to be in a relationship, but it will only make you happy for a limited amount of time. Meaningful life comes from the pursuit of values. A goal is a sign post, and once it has been reached, we experience an inner “ok, so now what?” A value on the other hand gives you continuous direction. If having a relationship is a value, then the course one takes must be to maintain the relationship.

    For this reason, we believe that you must speak with your boyfriend. We believe that he’ll be more understanding than you realize. Choices that are based on avoidance often breed more avoidance. If you are not speaking to him out of fear of what he will say, you are building a wall between the two of you. Discussing your challenges and fears together will build bridges, not walls. You will be able to talk about your struggle and how he can help. The communication and mutual understanding which will emerge will only make your relationship stronger.

    We wish you hatzlacha,

    Rabbi and Shira Boshnack