Have Questions or Comments?
Leave us some feedback and we'll reply back!

    Your Name (required)

    Your Email (required)

    Phone Number)

    In Reference to

    Your Message


    03 Sep Dating and Relationship Advice

    Posted at 22:41h in by
    0 Likes

    Dear Rabbi and Shira,

    I met the man of my dreams. Everything was going smoothly until we got engaged. Our parents met to divide financial responsibilities for the wedding. They agreed to split charges for the wedding equally. Suddenly, my future in-laws booked a hall without telling my parents, and it is outside of their price range. When they went back to my future in laws to tell them they are upset, my in-laws wouldn’t hear a word if it, and kept saying that both parties agreed to 50/50. My parents are understandably furious, and now I’m caught in the middle. I told my Chassan what is going on. He understands why we are all so upset but explains that his parents are very strong minded individuals and that he does not have the power to change their minds. This whole situation is causing us to fight. I am not sure what to do in this scenario.

    -Caught in the middle

     

    Dear “Caught in the middle”

    We’re sorry you are caught in the middle of this. It is always difficult when people who you care for fight. We have seen several relationships where the couple ended up breaking up because they were drawn into the financial planning of the wedding. The first piece of advice we can give you is get out of the middle. Tell them “I love and respect you both, but it’s not good for my relationship with you, or with my Chassan to be in the middle of this.”

    Remember, while this is your wedding, unless the two of you are paying for it, it unfortunately has less to do with you than you think. So reframe, despite the fact that there are things that are upsetting you about the arrangements, it will soon be over. Tell your parents you do not want to hear them complaining about your in laws as this puts a lot of stress on your relationship. Similarly, the engagement is only a short portion of your relationship

    Another point though to consider are your future in laws. When you marry your spouse, you usually marry into the whole family. If you’re noticing a lot of duplicitous or out of bounds behavior, you’ll need to have a discussion with your Chassan. It will be necessary to decide how you will present as a family unit together, discussing boundaries, and planning responses to the situations that will arise.

    We wish you a lot of Hatzlacha!

    Mazal Tov!

    Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack