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    22 Feb DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

    Posted at 23:28h in by
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    Dear Rabbi & Shira

    I’m a Baalas Teshuva struggling to find “the one.” Many people won’t date me because of my family background. The ones that do date me, I find go through the motions of Judaism but are not as passionate as I am. They seem to do things just to mark it off the shidduch checklist. I want someone who isn’t just Jewish but is actually living Judaism.

    Passionate in Marine Park

    Dear Passionate in Marine Park,

    So sorry to hear about the hard time you are having. We believe there are two components of the problem.

    The first is that oftentimes people feel that they need to do things “for Shidduchim.” This attitude is based on the thought that if they want to be set up with a “solid guy or girl” and have eternal martial bliss, aka “a bayis ne’eman b’yisroel” then they have to check things off of their list. Nevermind the fact that they are not really interested in doing those things, they are merely trying to give themselves “a good reputation.” This tends to be problematic afterwards, when they stop the behaviors which they were only doing for the shidduch profile, and creates resentment on both sides. One individual of the couple really believes that certain ideologies and values are important and the other doesn’t, leading to a couple who is mismatched, and will have to learn to make their relationship work regardless. It’s really important for people to be true to themselves and let their Shadchanim and parents know about the life that they are actually interested in living, not what their parents want.

    Second, sometimes, when a person is born into an orthodox community, they have not actively chosen the lifestyle that they are leading. Their acceptance of Torah and Mitzvot are a given, and as result, “just something which we do.” There are many people in Brooklyn, who despite the fact that they were raised with Torah and Mitzvot, work on actively choosing the Torah and Mitzvot as their identity and values. You can find groups who are enthusiastic about personal growth and Torah.

    Don’t give up searching for someone as passionate as you. Don’t settle! That person is out there!

    Hatzlacha Rabba! We wish you success!

    Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack.