08 Mar DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

Dear Rabbi and Shira,
Thanks so much for your column. My family and I read it every week! Here’s my question. My husband and I agreed when
we were engaged that we would cut back on friends of the opposite gender, as both of us saw it as an important part of our
first year of marriage. We have now been married for over three months and he still is very close to all his friends who
are women. He has made no effort to distance himself from them. Am I being controlling? Jealous? What should I do?
-Too Friendly in Flatbush

Dear “Too Friendly”
Hi! Mazal tov!
It sounds like there are several issues appearing here.
On one hand, he isn’t not keeping his word, and that’s
troubling you. Second, he’s talking with friends of the
opposite gender, which makes you uncomfortable
about the relationship that you are trying to build
together. A marriage consists of a relationship which
you share with each other, to the exclusion of the rest
of the world. Having close relationships with members
of the opposite gender confuses these boundaries.
The fact that you do not want him to have close
relationships with female friends does not make you
a controlling jealous wife. There is much research to
support distancing oneself from platonic friendships

once you are in a relationship.
We’d like you to consider the following questions.
How do you know he is still close to his female
friends? Is he open about it or more secretive? Is he
secretive about other things as well? What have you
personally done to create limits between you and
you male friends? When you both decided that you
would distance your friendships with people from the
opposite gender, did you create an action plan about
how you were going to pull this off? Lasting change
takes time. While you might have wanted him (and
maybe you did,) to send out a memo saying, “to
whom it may concern, I am no longer speaking to
my female friends as of 12/31”, it is not necessarily a
healthy way to make change. Allowing things to grow
apart is a better idea. Not being able to get together all

the time, nor responding to messages immediately, as
well as not sending out texts after a specific hour each
night can allow a distance which you might be more
comfortable with. Furthermore, you will also need
to decide how you’d like to set boundaries regarding
your relationships with married friends as the same
thoughts and concerns that you have with single
friends can occur with married friends as well. Better
to deal with this challenge now.
The more clear the both of you are about boundaries,
the more room your relationship will have room to
flourish.
Hatzlacha,
Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack.