14 Mar DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

Dear Rabbi and Shira,

Hi. I read your column all the time. I hope you can help me. I’m not sure what to do. I’ve gone out with this guy several times. The chemistry has been pretty good. I like him and we seem to have similar life goals. My only problem is that I keep forgetting which day we make up to go out. I’m not sure what’s wrong with me. I’m a pretty organized person, I set reminders for everything else in my life. I can’t seem to remember to do this. We speak on the phone, and set up a time and date, and then I forget when it is. I end up getting ready for the date twice! Can you help me?

-Where’s my planner?

Dear “Where’s my planner?”

This is a very interesting question. We might recommend several different “life hacks” to help you. First, try to have a calendar, planner or piece of paper in front of you and write it down immediately when you make up the date. Second, you might send a calendar invite as soon as you hang up. We’d like to explore two other ideas as well. Are you nervous when you’re speaking with him? This could explain part of the problem that you might be having. When we get nervous, the “fight or flight” instinct starts. Your body prepares to meet the upcoming stressor the best way it knows how; Either get ready to react in an emergency defense way,or freeze like a deer in the headlights. We freeze, when our bodies don’t know what to and we zone out to try to make the experiences less traumatic for us. Both work wonders for dealing with predators, with dates not so much so. Try to quietly breathe deeply, indicating to your body that you are safe. YOu might dry slowly, drink a cool glass of water, or sip a warm cup of tea, bringing yourself to the conversation. That way, you might remember which day you made up for.Alternatively, you might be day dreaming imagining what the date will be like, or even getting swept along into thoughts of the future with this guy. You might start planning your outfit or what topics you might discuss on this date. You might use our breathing and drinking trick, as above, or feel your feet on the floor, or the chair under you. Gently, draw your attention out of the future and back to the present moment. You might need to do it multiple times, that’s fine, kindly and compassionately set your mind back to the present. Finally, ask yourself if there is something about him, or you that you are avoiding? Is there something that you don’t want to think about? Is the relationship moving too quickly? Or is there a conversation that you don’t want to have? Is anything coming up in your mind when we ask you this? Good Luck, and message us back if you’d like to continue this conversation.

Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack