02 Apr DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

Dear Rabbi and Shira,
Hi. I read your column all the time. I hope you can help me. I’m not sure what to do. I’ve gone out with this guy several
times. The chemistry has been pretty good. I like him and we seem to have similar life goals. My only problem is that I
keep forgetting which day we make up to go out. I’m not sure what’s wrong with me. I’m a pretty organized person, I set
reminders for everything else in my life. I can’t seem to remember to do this. We speak on the phone, and set up a time
and date, and then I forget when it is. I end up getting ready for the date twice! Can you help me?
-Where’s my planner?

Dear “Where’s my planner?”
This is a very interesting question. We might
recommend several different “life hacks” to help you.
First, try to have a calendar, planner or piece of paper
in front of you and write it down immediately when you
make up the date. Second, you might send a calendar
invite as soon as you hang up.
We’d like to explore two other ideas as well. Are you
nervous when you’re speaking with him? This could
explain part of the problem that you might be having.
When we get nervous, the “fight or flight” instinct starts.
Your body prepares to meet the upcoming stressor the
best way it knows how; Either get ready to react in
an emergency defense way,or freeze like a deer in the
headlights. We freeze, when our bodies don’t know what
to and we zone out to try to make the experiences less
traumatic for us. Both work wonders for dealing with
predators, with dates not so much so. Try to quietly
breathe deeply, indicating to your body that you are safe.
YOu might dry slowly, drink a cool glass of water, or sip
a warm cup of tea, bringing yourself to the conversation.
That way, you might remember which day you made up
for.
Alternatively, you might be day dreaming imagining
what the date will be like, or even getting swept along
into thoughts of the future with this guy. You might start
planning your outfit or what topics you might discuss
on this date. You might use our breathing and drinking
trick, as above, or feel your feet on the floor, or the chair
under you. Gently, draw your attention out of the future
and back to the present moment. You might need to do
it multiple times, that’s fine, kindly and compassionately
set your mind back to the present.
Finally, ask yourself if there is something about
him, or you that you are avoiding? Is there something
that you don’t want to think about? Is the relationship
moving too quickly? Or is there a conversation that you
don’t want to have? Is anything coming up in your mind
when we ask you this?
Good Luck, and message us back if you’d like to
continue this conversation.

Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack