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    18 Apr DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

    Posted at 18:39h in by
    0 Likes

    Dear Rabbi and Shira,
    Hi, I’m engaged to a wonderful guy. He treats me well. He gets along well with my family, but I’m having a problem with
    how sensitive he is. On one hand, he’s very sensitive to my feelings and input, but on the other hand, he’s also sometimes
    emotionally fragile, and easily hurt. He gets offended very easily by others. If there is something I want to talk to him
    about , I have to navigate my conversations very carefully , in fear of hurting him. What should I do???
    -Worried in Woodmere

     

    Dear Worried,
    Mazal tov on your engagement! It sounds
    like you found a really special guy. We’d like
    to share a couple of points for you to consider.
    Being that we are in the time of sefirat
    haomer, our Rabbis teach that the 49 days
    between pesach and Shavuos correspond to
    49 different personality traits (middos). Each
    trait needs to be clarified, and contextualized.
    A good midah in the wrong situation is not
    productive, and can be very damaging.
    A great example of a middah that can be
    used positivity and negatively is sensitivity. It’s
    wonderful to be a sensitive person and care
    deeply about others, but when it
    hampers your ability to function
    and interact with others, it can be
    damaging.
    While Your Chasan sounds
    very respectful and attentive to
    your needs and feelings, he has
    trouble hearing feedback because
    of that same sensitivity.
    Some questions to consider ….
    How often does he rehash a
    situation when his feelings are
    hurt? Does it become an all day
    or multiple day activity? How do
    you address his sensitivity with him?
    Having to consistently tip toe around him is not
    healthy for either of you or your relationship.
    Talk to him about what exactly is upsetting him.
    Validate his feelings, and then discuss with him whether
    or not his expectations are realistic for everyone. While
    he might be unique in his sensitivity, everyone else may
    not be.
    You might consider speaking about this with a
    therapist who can help the two of you break down the
    dynamics of what is occurring. B’hatzlacha!

    Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack.