Dear Busy,

Dear Rabbi and Shira,

Hi. I love reading your column. I’m having an issue. I’m newly married and am having difficulty getting anything done. My wife calls me all the time to help her with things, whether I’m working, or learning. There are some times that she’ll call me to do something and then do it herself once I get there. I’d like her to try doing it herself , before calling my name. I don’t mind helping her, and I feel like I’m very good at “being present” but I think it’s getting excessive.

-Busy in Brooklyn

We’re sorry to hear about your difficulty. There could be a number of different things going on. First it could be that your wife is not actually asking you to do anything. She actually might be seeking connection, not assistance. Dr Jon Gottman refers to this as a bid for connection. A bid is when a person seeks attention, affirmation or any other positive connection. Sometimes they are eliciting a wink, a smile, or request for help or advice. People don’t always catch the more subtle bids and as a result the more frontal ones often become more pronounced and insistent. Imagine when you are trying to get someone’s attention, and they are not getting the message. One can imagine the frustration. Learning to catch more of her bids, and of course making bids of

your own will create further avenues for connection.

Second, these requests could also be part of her “love language.” Gary Chapman discussed different ways that people feel cared for. It could be, as Chapman puts it, “acts of service” are her language. She might be demonstrating her need for care or affection. To you it’s just reaching something on a higher shelf, or cutting some onions, but to her it’s the equivalent of a card or a phone call saying, “Hi, I hope you’re having an great day.”

Third, she might be overwhelmed and frustrated, and feeling she can depend on you is a way that she feels reassured, and not alone in carrying all of the responsibilities of the day.

Sometimes open communication can help to decode the situation. You can speak with her about how you love to help and be there for her, and at the same time have responsibilities that you need to complete as well. You might say, “hey, I’m in the middle of a project, can I do it in 15 minutes, or 1⁄2 an hour.” As well, you can try to schedule the day with her, so that you can show her when you’ll be working on whatever you need to do, and arrange to be available to help her with whatever she needs.

We wish you hatalzacha, and feel free to write back if you need more assistance.

Rabbi Reuven and Shira Boshnack.