04 Feb DON’T WITHDRAW, DRAW CLOSER

In 2023, the U.S.
Surgeon General warned
the country that we
collectively are suffering
from an “epidemic of
loneliness.” He claimed
that the negative health
effects of loneliness are on par with
those of tobacco use and obesity.
According to one recent survey, 20%
of American adults report feeling
loneliness “a lot of the day.” A growing
number of public-health officials see
loneliness as the world’s next critical
public-health issue.
There are many factors contributing
to the rise in loneliness. Technology
brings people together online, yet
paradoxically, it increasingly makes
people feel lonely offline. Many feel
overworked and too tired or busy to
find time with others. Mental health
challenges have driven people to
isolate and be alone.
Some are alone by choice, but many

are struggling with a loneliness
brought on because of others. I was
recently speaking to someone who
is the caregiver for their spouse who
has been experiencing a decline with
her health and faculties. He described
the pain and anguish of living with
and watching his loved one struggle
while attempting to navigating her
care and support. That pain, he said,
is truly compounded by the feelings
of loneliness and abandonment from
friends, neighbors, and even some
family.
People are generally wonderful. At the
moment of a diagnosis, crisis, or loss,
we know how to rally, show up, offer
meals, support and love. But then we
tend to settle in, and too often move
on. Nobody forgets about or neglects
people they know or love on purpose
or intentionally. Nobody thinks about
something they could say that would be
hurtful or insensitive. These situations
are complicated, uncomfortable, and
sometimes awkward. Sometimes

people disappear because a situation
hits too close to home. Sometimes it
is because they subconsciously think
the situation is contagious and could
affect them next. Most often, because
it is hard to know what to do or say,
people simply withdraw.
In speaking to a few people who
are caregivers to their loved ones,
and with input from a therapist
specializing in support, here are a
few recommendations and directions
emerged that can guide us all to be
better:
REACH OUT – If isolation hurts,
then contact and connection comfort
and soothe. Don’t just ask how the
person struggling is doing, ask the
caregiver how they themselves are
holding up.
LISTEN & VALIDATE – One of
the simplest and most profound ways
to help a caregiver is not by doing
anything active at all, just by simply
listening. Be a friend, a compassionate
listener, someone who will give full
attention, someone who will provide
comfort and not be judgmental.
DON’T – Our friends and family
are not looking for us to have the
answers or solutions. Don’t offer
platitudes or unsolicited advice.
Avoid sharing stories about other
caregivers or asking why they don’t
make certain decisions or place a
loved one in a facility or choose
another path of care.
CONSISTENCY – Don’t reach out
just once. Don’t pledge or promise
how you will always be there, and
definitely don’t say, “Don’t hesitate
to reach out if there is anything I
can do to help.” Consistency is key.
Check in, follow up, show up, be
available.
INVITE & INCLUDE – Don’t
assume someone’s condition means
they and their caregiver can’t
participate in a Shabbos meal or
social event. Invite and include
when possible and practical. If the
caregiver has coverage or help,
invite him or her to go out, to get
together. Give them social contact
that is “normal” and ordinary. Invite

them to join at a shiur, shul program,
community event, or anything else
that lets the caregiver know you are
thinking of them and want to spend
time with them.
PRACTICAL HELP – The family
caregiver has essentially begun taking
on the responsibilities of two. Don’t
ask if you can help—just help. When
you are heading to the supermarket,
call or text and say, “I’m going out
for groceries, what can I get you.”
Offer to take in or pick up their dry
cleaners while taking care of your
own. Drop off fruits and vegetables
for no reason, just because you care.
Whichever errand you choose, set
expectations before you start. If you
are planning to visit that is helpful and
meaningful, but make sure to let the
caregiver know when to expect you
and how long you may stay.
The Torah describes that originally,
man was created alone. However,
Hashem quickly amends creation: “Lo
tov heyos ha’Adom l’vado – It is not
good for man to be alone.” (Bereishis
2:18) Aloneness leads to loneliness,
and that, says Hashem, is not good.
Pirkei Avos (6:6) teaches that one of
the 48 ways that Torah is acquired and
lived is with dibuk chaveirim, friends
who cling to one another. To be a
friend is to not bail, or disappear, to
not abandon or desert. True friendship
includes dibuk, to cling which is the
same word as devek, glue. Friends
stick together and are glued to one
another. Camaraderie is caring.
We can’t necessarily resolve the
health challenges and conditions of
people we know and love. But we
can inoculate our friends against the
epidemic of loneliness. Show you
care, stay connected, offer help when
you can with specific tasks, and be
consistent.