13 May EMOR: PREPARING OUR KIDS FOR LIFE’S BURDENS

The Mishnah in Pirkeh Avot
(3:5) cites the following
teaching from Rabbi Nehunya
Ben Ha’kaneh:
Whoever accepts upon himself
the yoke of Torah – the yoke of
the government and the yoke of
worldly needs are removed from him. And
whoever removes from himself the yoke of
Torah – the yoke of the government and the
yoke of worldly needs are placed upon him.
What exactly is the Mishnah’s message? How
does this happen – that a person who accepts the
burden of Torah is relieved of burdens which he
would otherwise bear?
To answer this question, let us revisit one of the
most famous stories in the Tanach.
Beneh Yisrael were fighting a war against a
militarily superior enemy –
the Pelishtim. The Pelishtim sent their general
– a frightening giant named Golyat – to frighten
and intimidate Beneh Yisrael. Each day, Golyat
would approach Beneh Yisrael’s encampment to
frighten them. He would shout at them,
challenging them to send someone to fight
against him, and ridiculing them for being so
weak and for waging a war they had no chance
of winning.
Finally, one day, a young, untrained youngster
approached the king, Shaul, and said he was
prepared to take on this giant, confident that he
could defeat Golyat. Shaul asked him why he

was so sure, and the boy explained that he
worked as a shepherd tending to his father’s
flocks, and there were times when lions and
bears came to attack the sheep. He successfully
fended them off, killing them. If he could kill the
lions and bears, this boy confidently asserted,
then he could kill Golyat, too.
Shaul sent the boy to confront Golyat, and he
killed the giant with his slingshot, sending a
stone directly to Golyat’s forehead. This boy, of
course, was Dovid, who eventually became
king.
Let’s imagine for a moment what would have
happened if Yishai, Dovid’s father, decided that
it was too dangerous for his young son to be out
in the fields with the sheep. What would have
happened if instead of sending Dovid out there,
with the all the risks that lurk, he overprotected
him, giving him a safe, undemanding job
indoors?
Dovid would never have gained the skills he
needed to defeat Golyat. He would never have
become the great general that he was, and he
would not have then become the great king that
he was.
Parents do their children no favors by shielding
them from challenges, from difficult situations,
from disappointment. Because, as every single
adult knows very well, life is full of challenges,
difficult situations, and disappointment. While
we of course need to protect our children from
real danger, we must not protect them from the

risk of failure and frustration. To the contrary,
the only way they will develop the strength,
toughness, and skills needed to persevere, to
handle and overcome adversity, is by allowing
them to experience adversity when they are
young.
If a kid brings him a failing grade on a test, the
parent’s response should not be, “Ok, I’ll speak
to the teacher and ask to go easier on you next
time.” If a kid got into a fight, the parent’s
response should not be, “Ok, I’ll call the other
kid’s parents and work it out for you.” Absolutely,
we must shower our kids with love, and show
them that we support them unconditionally and
are always trying to understand them. But we
need to also allow them to take control of their
problems, to learn to handle disappointment,
and to grow accustomed to dealing with
hardship.
I once sat on a panel with an experienced school
principal to discuss issues in education. A parent
in the audience asked what to do when a kid
comes home from school upset because he was
cut from the basketball team. My co-panelist’s
answer was, in my mind, brilliant. He said: “Let
him realize that this is how life works. Sometimes
you’re not as good as everyone else, and so you
can’t play. Sometimes, other people will win,
and you will lose.”
This is the harsh reality of life, and something
that parents must train their children to
recognize.

Let us return to the Mishnah cited above. The
Mishnah is teaching us that there will always be
an ol, a “yoke,” a burden. Life is full of burdens;
there is no escaping it, no matter how smart,
wealthy, or socially adept a person is. In order to
prepare our children for these burdens, we place
upon them the ol Torah, the burden of Torah
obligation, already when they’re young. Before
they go out into the world, before they
experience real challenges and real hardships,
we train them to accept and to submit to the
“burden” of Torah. We set limits on their
behavior, and we have them develop discipline
and restraint. By training our children to accept
the ol Torah, we make it so much easier for them
later on, when they confront the inevitable
burdens of life, which they will be fully prepared
to confront.
We hope and pray that Hashem make our
children’s lives pleasant and smooth. But even
as we pray, we are to prepare them for the
realities of life by training them to yield to the ol
Torah, to the obligations that the Torah assigns
to us.